On Sunday, we all collectively flipped out because news broke that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got engaged after what, like, two months of dating? I don’t know what the fuck is happening in Hollywood or when LA became the Bachelor mansion, but this is all too much. After Hailey Baldwin was reportedly seen wearing her engagement ring, it didn’t take long for Justin Bieber to confirm the engagement. And in a very Justin Bieber maneuver, he did it on Instagram. Thankfully, he did it in a very long Instagram caption as opposed to a screenshot of a memo in the Notes app. There is really a lot to dissect here, so get excited.
Was gonna wait a while to say anything but word travels fast, listen plain and simple Hailey I am soooo in love with everything about you! So committed to spending my life getting to know every single part of you loving you patiently and kindLY. I promise to lead our family with honor and integrity letting Jesus through his Holy Spirit guide us in everything we do and every decision we make. My heart is COMPLETELY and FULLY YOURS and I will ALWAYS put you first! You are the love of my life Hailey Baldwin and I wouldn’t want to spend it with anybody else. You make me so much better and we compliment eachother so well!! Can’t wait for the best season of life yet!. It’s funny because now with you everything seems to make sense! The thing I am most excited for is that my little brother and sister get to see another healthy stable marriage and look for the same!!! Gods timing really is literally perfect, we got engaged on the seventh day of the seventh month, the number seven is the number of spiritual perfection, it’s true GOOGLE IT! Isn’t that nuts? By the way I didn’t plan that, anyways My goodness does feel good to have our future secured! WERE GONNA VE BETTER AT 70 BABY HERE WE GO! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains FAVOR from the Lord!” This is the year of favor!!!!
Ooookay. I would say that I don’t want to diminish anyone’s happiness, except I do and it’s literally my job, so here we fucking go. First impressions: this reads like the manic ramblings of my ex-boyfriend who worked at a Smoothie King called himself a “spiritual healer”. It started out sweet, and then just got crazy. Like, the whole message about getting to know her is nice, but also, that’s why we over here in reality date people for more than a few months before committing ourselves to them for life. Just a tip. ALSO. “Gods timing is literally perfect, we got engaged on the seventh day of the seventh month, the number seven is the number of spiritual perfection, it’s true GOOGLE IT!”?? Is Justin announcing his engagement or quoting a paragraph from The Secret?
Also, hold up, wait a second. “The seventh day of the seventh month”?? Of what? Of dating?? Because we all thought Hailey was dating Shawn Mendes at the Met Gala, which was two months ago. This is calling everything we thought we knew into question. What’s next: Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have secretly been dating for two and a half years? That wouldn’t surprise me tbh. But tomorrow we’re going to be doing a deep dive into the timeline of Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin’s relationship, so stay tuned for that. In any case, this is all kinds of nuts.
And speaking of Ariana Grande, you best believe she commented on this Instagram saying “hooooooraaaaaaaay omg” (I may have gotten the precise number of o’s and a’s wrong; I didn’t count) with a bunch of emojis. THIS IS SO INTERESTING. I would have thought she’d say something like “welcome to the club!” or “let’s go halfsies on a wedding venue”. Celebrities continue to surprise me.
So that’s what’s going on in 2018 for now. Getting engaged is the new Facebook official, and that’s cool it’s fine I’m totally not salty at all even though I point-blank asked a guy I’d been seeing for TWO MONTHS if he had feelings for me and couldn’t even get a straight answer. I wish I were famous solely for the dating opportunities.