Hibernation Vibes: Weekend Horoscopes November 1-3

Happy psycho Scorpio season, Karen! Now that it’s November, we’re moving past the spooky season, and truly living our best lives by wearing body-concealing sweaters, the stretchiest high-waisted pants, and eating until we can’t feel feelings anymore. It’s all about that hibernation vibe, fam, so don’t expect this weekend to be too crazy.

Even though we’ve officially entered a period of Mercury in retrograde, try not to get too stressed about it. All hope is not lost for this weekend. The planets are ready to get cozy and push you into some romance, adventure, and whatever other bullsh*t they can muster up this weekend. Yay, stars.


Your gut is guiding you this weekend Scorpio, and not just to Pizza Hut and discount frozen taquitos at Costco. You’re extra sensitive to everything going on this weekend, so pay attention to your feelings. The moon in Capricorn is highlighting communication, so make time to listen and have some meaningful convos this weekend—even if it’s just with your dog.


It’s the perfect weekend to review your f*cking finances, Sagittarius. It may seem boring, but ’tis the season to sit tf down and create a household budget. What are you spending on cable every month? Electricity? Eating out? Spray tans? Having your money in order will help you feel more in control of other aspects of your life, so buckle down now to reap the benefits later. Once you see how much money you’re literally lighting on fire by ordering delivery, you’ll likely feel pretty bad about yourself.


You’re all about friends and going out this weekend, Capricorn, thanks to a buncha planets f*cking off together in Capricorn. Ditch work early Friday (do it) and head out for dinner, drinks, and a weird club you can make fun of later. Reserve Saturday for activities great for Instagramming, like pumpkin picking, chugging seasonal beers, and wearing chunky scarves. Sunday, chill tf out.


Been having weird f*cking dreams lately, Aquarius? GOOD—pay attention to that sh*t. Take the weekend to chug wine and read through your dream journal, or just Google why all your teeth keep falling out in your dreams. Otherwise, take Saturday and Sunday to cuddle up and enjoy the cooler weather your your SO or your BFF.


The planets in Scorpio are pushing you to explore other cultures, Pisces. No, we don’t mean exploring the culture of whatever your fav influencer is pushing online. We mean making a reservation with friends at a restaurant serving cuisine you’ve never tried. Or seeing whatever new play your artsy friend told you about, but you haven’t actually bothered to look up. F*ck, go see a Russian ballet. Just like, expand your horizons and sh*t. Ordering pho via GrubHub counts, btw.


Friday and Saturday have you feeling tugged in 80 different directions, Aries. You’ll feel that between what you want, what your partner wants, what your friends want, and what your mom wants there’s no brain space left for important sh*t, like which Bachelor couple is breaking up this week. Try to take it in stride, and by Sunday things will chill out.


You’re like, so cheerful, Taurus. You’re also feeling super adventurous on Saturday, so lean in to that sh*t and try some extreme rock climbing or hot yoga or sashimi with friends. Sunday is time to watch some HGTV reruns and get inspired to re-organize your closet. I mean, you could also head out for lunch with your roommate from college, but, honestly, drowning in DIY sounds so much more fun.


Time for some self-care, Gemini. Listen to your bod and your mental state and act accordingly. Whether you need to sweat it out at SoulCycle, hang out in sweats all weekend, or blow $500 at a spa on a 90-minute massage, do you. Saturday is the perfect day to indulge, but take it easy Friday night, too. ‘Tis the weekend for relaxation.


You’re feeling creative and confident, Cancer, and it looks good on you. You’ve been putting off indulging your artistic side, but this weekend is perfect to finally tackle those artsy fartsy projects. Yeah, go ahead and paint a chalkboard wall in your kitchen. Find shiplap and figure out how to get it on your bedroom wall. Or, like, draw a picture of a butterfly.


You may feel a little off this weekend, Leo, but stay close to home and everything will blow over. Concentrate on a quiet weekend with your loved ones and stay far away from anyone being overly dramatic about, like, anything. So, brunch with your bestie while she goes through the “what’s wrong with me” “why haven’t I met anyone” speech again is probably not the move this weekend.


Feel the looooove, Virgo. Plan a sexy date on Friday night with either a new interest or your SO, then take it to the next level at home if you’re like, cool with that. Saturday, get out of town with your partner and drive around looking at foliage. It’s like, the most basic fall sh*t you can do for free.


You need to relieve some stress, Libra. After this week at work, things need to take a chill turn over the weekend, but only you can control that sh*t. You may get dragged into family drama, but stay far away from anyone else’s bullsh*t. You’ve got enough on your plate.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson