OK, be honest. Are you on the naughty list again this year? Or did Aries, Scorpio, and Aquarius take the reins once again? The best part about astrology is that you can roast the hell out of the zodiac signs with absolutely no shame whatsoever. Fact is, each sign is totally unique from another, which is exactly why you can put each of them in a little box, judge them accordingly, and call it a night. For instance, Aries goes in the “angry bully” box, Scorpio takes “most vengeful,” and well, sadly, Aquarius doesn’t even get a box this year. That’s how badly they f*cked it up. Nevertheless, with the holidays around the corner, choosing the “perfect” gift is always a nightmare, which is why I’ve decided to hook you betches up with a holiday gift guide, as per the cosmos. Here’s what you should get each zodiac sign for the holidays.
Aries: A Kickboxing Classpass
If someone doesn’t do something about Aries’ raging betch attitude soon, they’re going to go batsh*t. Never mind, they’ve probably already gone batsh*t; although, in the meantime, I say you hook them up with some kickboxing classes so they can quit the hateful spree they’re on. Everyone’s on their sh*t list these days.
Taurus: Seductive Perfume
Venus is here, and she’s ready to deck the f*cking halls. It’s simple, betches. Taurus wants anything that’s expensive, and everything that’s aesthetically pleasing. A delectable perfume with a smoldering scent is everything Taurus needs this holiday season, especially since they’re still in the process of plotting the painful deaths of their latest Venus retrograde victims. There’s nothing more entertaining than a Taurus seeking revenge.
Gemini: A Sleek Notebook
Burn book? Perhaps. Our friendly neighborhood Gemini is the clever wordsmith of the zodiac, so there’s no doubt that their handy dandy notebook will be their new BFF. Harriet The Spy who? Agendas are also their jam, but rest assured, they’ve already ordered one for 2019. This two-faced betch is a lover of words, gossip, and neon-colored Post-it notes. (For the record, they’re also brilliant sexters, and their wandering eye knows no mercy.) Committed relationship? Thank u, next.
Cancer: Anything From HomeGoods
Like I said, anything from HomeGoods, and you’re golden. The Cancer lives for interior design and all kinds of at-home supplies and useless trinkets. Put it this way: the moon child of the zodiac, aka moody betch, always feels the need to stock up as if it were the end of the world. In their eyes, one could never have enough candles, cozy blankets, frames, and closet space. This is precisely why I suggest you help them get organized before they turn into a relentless hoarder.
Leo: Gaudy Frame With Their Hottest Selfie
Don’t even think about it twice, betch. Leo’s selfie game is strong, and well, since they probably can’t have their photo blown up to a 40 by 60, and hang it up in the entrance of their home, they’ll be more than happy to settle for a 16 by 24. Got it? Oh, and if you’re feeling creative, you could always photoshop a lavish crown over their head. Alright, go stalk their Instagram. I promise you won’t regret it.
Virgo: A Succulent
Please note: Virgo would much rather you didn’t buy them anything, so don’t go crazy unless you’re looking for a long and carefully-thought-out criticizing sesh. In other words, say yes to a cute little succulent, and rest assured, you’ll put a smile on your Virgo bestie’s face. Remember, there’s nothing this earth sign loves more than a good bargain, so don’t overdo it, and for the love of God, don’t overspend.
Libra: A Bottle Of Rose Champagne
Cheers, betch. Luscious Libra is in the building, and she’s as thirsty as ever this holiday season. Cosmic lush? Perhaps. This Venusian siren is always in the mood for some sparkling bubbly, especially when it’s the color pink. Veuve Clicquot? Laurent Perrier? Belair rose? Whatever your little merry heart desires, as long as it’s chic, posh, and aesthetically pleasing to our Libra love’s eye. P.S. It’s all about the details.
Scorpio: A Pocket Rocket
Where’s the lie? Who doesn’t automatically think of sex when they see a Scorpio? Besides, it’s not like you’re going to gift this to your executive vice president at work, who just happens to be born under this sign. Correction, betch. This is for your RBF Scorpio bestie, who unfortunately had a rough AF 2018, and needs a little something to look forward to this holiday season. Go ahead, deck their halls.
Sagittarius: A Passport Wallet
Where in the world is Sagittarius’ passport? This is precisely why a quaint travel wallet for their nowhere-to-be-found passport is everything this cosmic explorer needs. Besides, their ruling planet Jupiter is back in their sign for the rest of the year, and it’s going to be lit AF. Help your Sagittarius BFF travel responsibly, and in style. Which reminds me, their passport stamps are pretty impressive.
Capricorn: A Vintage Board Game
You may not know this, but your Capricorn bestie is secretly obsessed with everything vintage; hence, it is highly suggested that you make their antique dreams come true this Christmas season. Besides, Saturn and Pluto, the most terrifying celestial bodies in astrology, are making Capricorn’s life a living nightmare as we speak. In other words, now is the time to surprise them with a sleek chess board, or if you’re feeling groovy, a 1975 parcheesi board game. This will turn their ice-cold frown upside down.
Aquarius: Eufy Genie Assistant
Aquarius talking to a robot? Yes, please! IDK about you, but I genuinely can’t help but love how much of a geek this air sign can be. This would seriously make their Sci-Fi dreams a reality. Fact is, Aquarius is the alien of the zodiac, (no offense) and their ruling planet Uranus rules technology and everything futuristic. So, this stellar bluetooth speaker named “Eufy” is here to save Christmas day.
Pisces: A Tattoo
True life: A Pisces can never have enough tattoos. It’s a hobby, an art form, and their eternal obsession, besides music. OK, no one is telling you to hook it up with an intricate sleeve either. On the contrary, this is a simple gesture, and if you think about it, an exciting field trip to the tattoo parlor. New year, new tattoo? Who knows, maybe you’ll get one, too. I dare you, betch.
Images: Splash (1); Giphy (6)