What The Hell Is Happening In Kendall Jenner's 'Vogue' Video?

We’ve spent the past few months mainly focused on the numerous Kardashian/Jenner pregnancies, but the other Kardashians are still keeping busy. Kendall is on April’s cover of Vogue, and Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview and accompanying video feature are already giving us a lot to talk about. She covers a lot of ground, from questioning what happens to the middle of the Cheerios to whether she would date a girl. Oh sweet young Kendall, why don’t we spend more time talking about you? Oh right, it’s because you’re usually busy walking in Chanel shows while the rest of your sisters are being thots on Snapchat.

Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview starts off with a comically long segment about Kendall and her horses, Belle and Dylan. Kendall Jenner was a horse girl growing up, which is funny because the horse girls from my middle school are all in various stages of graduate school now. Some people get smart, and others get pretty. Kendall is obsessed with her horses, and she wants to get back into show jumping, but insists she would use a fake name so people didn’t know it was her. I’m calling it now, LaKendall McJenner is going to win the Kentucky Derby next year.

After Kendall briefly talks about her obsession with transcendental meditation (same), the interview pivots to her sexuality. Um, why? There have been casual rumors for a while that Kendall likes girls, but the interviewer wastes no time and essentially tries to out her by asking why the internet thinks she’s gay. Kendall insists that she doesn’t have “a bisexual or gay bone” in her body, but says she’d be down to experiment. She also talks about her male energy, but is quick to add that she’s not transgender. She is Caitlyn Jenner’s daughter after all, so she might kind of know what she’s talking about.

The more legitimate rumors are that Kendall Jenner is dating NBA player Blake Griffin, who played in LA before being traded to Detroit this year. She refuses to confirm the relationship, but the interviewer helps us out by saying that Kendall spent Valentine’s Day in Michigan. With Kendall in Detroit and Khloé spending half her time in Cleveland with Tristan, can we look forward to a Khloé and Kendall Take the Midwest spinoff? Maybe they’ll start a new franchise of Basketball Wives? Producers, get to work trying to find enough glamorous people in Ohio to cast a reality show.

But if Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview is the delicious main course here, let’s get to the dessert: Kendall’s Vogue video. It’s titled i, kendall, and if it’s supposed to be a parody of I, Tonya then it’s not succeeding. We see Kendall going about her morning routine in a hotel room that she obviously didn’t sleep in, and she asks herself a series of questions that range from dumb to “girl, do u have a brain?” She first tries to count the hairs in an eyebrow, but she gets bored after counting to six. Is it because she can’t count higher than that? She then admires the color of the walls while brushing her teeth, proving my theory that she has not spent more than five minutes in this room.

Kendall explains that she hasn’t slept in her own house in 17 days, which sounds exhausting but doesn’t excuse the fact that she draws a pair of glasses on her face with eyeliner. Sweetie, are you good?? She also ponders what happens to the holes in the Cheerios, pointing out that it would be wasteful to just throw them away. Ugh, she’s really not smart, is she?

The best part of the video, however, is when she’s staring at herself in the mirror, deep in thought, and just says “this side of my face is good.” KENDALL JENNER. You are the highest paid model in the world, every side of your face is good. I, on the other hand, spend at least half of my social energy making sure I end up on the left side in every photo. I just feel like it’s facial appropriation for Kendall to say shit like this, because she’s obviously prettier than the rest of us and it’s just not fair.

This video is obviously supposed to be funny, but it doesn’t really work because 1) it’s not funny, and 2) Kendall doesn’t really seem like she has the self-awareness or brain power to make fun of herself. We love the girl, but this is not where she shines.

So while Kendall Jenner walks around all day with eyeliner all over her face, I’m just thankful that I don’t spend my time thinking about the poor holes in the Cheerios. I might not be booking the cover of Vogue, but at least I have a college degree and have made it past question 6 on HQ several times. What can I say, I’m unbelievably blessed.

Images: @kendalljenner / Instagram; Giphy

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.