Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. This week: The Thought Catalog, kids in the grocery store, people who say “check your privilege,” Ferguson justifiers and people who hold up the elevator. Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to me at email@example.com
The Thought Catalog
Some people recognize website The Thought Catalog as a place for self-indulgent 20-something “writers” to get “published.” This is misguided. The Thought Catalog is the worst thing to happen to human literacy since the burning of the Library at Alexandria. Lately, a bunch of “writers” have been demanding that their “work” be purged from the archives. Is it because they realized the Thought Catalog is to humanity what a zit that’s just not quite ready to pop is to your face? No, it’s because recently, due to their entire lack of editorial standards, they’ve published a couple of racist and transphobic pieces, and their self-indulgent 20-something hand-wringing won’t allow them to be “associated” with the site.
Seriously? Look, I understand wanting to force the site to have some standards and now allow for outright hate speech to get published, but it’s a testament to their hubris that they’re doing so because they think anyone with an IQ above 75 reads that site and “associates” anyone on it with anything. If you write for TC, no one gives a shit about you, period. Hell, you don’t even write “for” that site, you write “at” it – if this hubbub has taught us anything, it’s that they’ll publish literally anything that gets submitted. Like this horseshit, for instance, where a woman who wrote an unoriginal, boilerplate argument on a tired subject “introduced” herself while remaining behind her pseudonym, and then justified it.
Fuck the Thought Catalog right in the pee hole.
Kids in the grocery store
I’m not ragging on the single mom or dad who has no choice but to cart the kid around while they run errands. I’m talking about the people here in the whitewashed socialist utopia I call home who bring their entire fucking clan to the grocery store with them. Food shopping is not “family time.” If you want to spend more time with your kids, then do that – otherwise, if I see two parents in the store with kids, why the fuck aren’t one of you at home with the kids so the other can shop efficiently and in peace? The kids are also almost always terrible, making noise and running around, because of course. When I was a kid, my mother sat my ass in the little baby seat while she shopped. And when I got bigger? I used bipedal motion, humanity’s single greatest physiological achievement, to walk along with her. Quietly.
Don’t even get me started on those gigantic fucking carts shaped like race cars.
People who say Michael Brown “got what he deserved”
Look, not a lot of ink needs to be spilled on these racist morons, but: The people who say this are usually the same people who believe that modern life is “survival of the fittest,” and that all of their success is owed to their hard work and going out and “taking what’s theirs.” Since I’m a big, strong guy, whenever I hear someone say this I’m going to bash their head against the wall and fuck their girlfriend. By their logic, I’m just “taking what’s mine” and exercising my right as the superior person in that situation, right?
People who STILL say “check your privilege”
… On the other end of the spectrum, this is a phrase still used around the internet. No one is arguing that there isn’t value in stepping back and recognizing the advantages you have by virtue of not being part of whatever minority group. That said, asking people to “check” their privilege by either a) viewing the world through a different lens (difficult) or b) casting it aside altogether (impossible) is not only annoying, it’s counterproductive. Instead of “checking” your privilege, how about I dunno, using it instead? Why not use your wealth, education, social class, ability to not be strangled to death by the police, etc., to do some good in the world? No, you’d rather just use twitter hashtags? Thought so. Fuck off.
People who jam their hand in the elevator at the last second
I saw this somewhere else as an example of something people apologize for unnecessarily, seeing as though it only delays the people already on the elevator by a few seconds. Fuck that noise. The only reason those people shouldn’t apologize is because it shouldn’t happen, ever. My time is extremely valuable. And goddammit, the people who do this ALWAYS happen to hit the floor one below or above the one you’re heading for (depending on direction). Just because your ass is running late, it doesn’t mean you get to take advantage of the groundwork I laid by pushing a button and the elevator’s built-in propensity to not kill people.
If you’re going to do that, you may as well bash my head against the wall and fuck my girlfriend.