Why I Hate Guys in Fedoras

Occasionally at the bar or club, a betch will encounter the most  nauseating of men's fashion accessories: the fedora. 

To certain idiotic bros, the fedora is seen as a throwback to a different time:  a simpler time, when men were men and wearing a hat that sometimes bears a feather was somehow okay. These bros will wear the fedora proudly, and will totally tune out anyone who states the simple truth that fedoras are the fucking worst. 

Wearing a fedora is literally the laziest possible way for a guy to look like he put any effort into his appearance. This fedora wearing bro is always either clueless or way overconfident, but he's often both. Half the time, he will pair the 'dora with a short sleeve button-down that may or may not have palm fronds or a chinese dragon on it. Sometimes, he won't even be wearing a fucking shirt. Shudder.

Let's break down the different types of fedora offenses and the douchebags that commit them. 

The Black / Pinstripe Fedora

The Situation: His fedora is def too small and he may or may not wear it tilted over one eye. This guy thinks he looks like Al Pacino in The Godfather, when in reality he looks like a Persian restaurant owner. 

Wears it with: Ill-fitting suit or graphic tee

Celebrity Perpetrator: Justin Timberlake

Totally legit assumptions to make about this bro:

1. He wanted to be a magician in 3rd grade
2. His life goal is to have a threesome
3. He idolizes Jeremy Piven

The Straw Fedora

The Situation: This guy could MAYBE be hot without the fedora, but you know that he's wearing it means he'll never be not wearing it. He will always own an acoustic guitar, but all he can play on it is “Wonderwall”. These bros say things like “this hat is only for vacations, but my life is a vacation“. 

Wears it with: hemp twine bracelet

Celebrity Perpetrator: Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt

Totally legit assumptions to make about this bro:

1. He may or may not be learning to play the ukelele.
2. He drives a Honda Element, Toyota Matrix, or Pontiac Vibe
3. He used to be fat

The White or Ivory Fedora

The Situation: We don't see a ton of these, but when we do, it's rill offensive. We can only imagine it's original home was in a plastic bag in a Halloween store next to the zoot suits. Unless you are Michael Jackson or like a Louisiana Landowner from the 20's, you cannot pull this off. You aren't a part of the landed gentry. Let's not.

Wears it with: silk button down with the wrists unbuttoned

Celebrity Perpetrator: Sean Combs

Totally legit assumptions to make about this bro:

1. He drinks zima
2. He once slept with his mom's best friend
3. He sometimes uses the hat to fan himself

The Light Grey or Light Brown Fedora

The Situation: This bro is a hipster or worse, a wannabe hipster. He paid like $300 for this thing but he will claim he found it in a hedge outside of his fav basement vinyl shop/wheatgrass juice bar. In all likelihood he has a neck beard and still wears those fucking rayban wayfarers.

Wears it with: olive-green faded tee and coal-colored suede vest

Celebrity perpetrator: Johnny Depp

Totally legit assumptions to make about this bro:

1. He is a pescetarian
2. He has song lyrics tattooed somewhere on his lower legs or upper back
3. He's in an Mumford and Sons cover band

The Patterned Fedora

The Situation: These may be the most heinous of all the fedoras. Please take note: hot pink crosshatched fedoras were made strictly for shitty bachelorette parties. While the grey fedora sports a neckbeard, the patterned fedora sports a soul patch. We can't even.

Wears it with: tight v-neck tee and a diamond or cross earring

Celebrity Perpetrator: Britney Spears

Totally legit assumptions to make about this bro:

1. He goes to AA meetings to “meet ladies” (I'm not even attracted to you – I was wearing rehab goggles! )
2. He has a pet snake
3. He used to be/is currently addicted to meth

So let's make one thing super clear for you basic bros: wearing a fedora is a choice. It's not a race or sexual orientation; you aren't “born fedora”, you go out and buy a hat that like 99% of the population has agreed means “douchebag”. You know what you're doing. Wearing a fedora sends a message. And that message is: fucking run.


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