Happy Valentine's Day Hangover: Weekend Horoscopes February 15-17

Valentine’s Day’s weird vibes are still hanging in the air, causing you to act out in all types of crazy ways. That’s what we get for having a holiday about love in the age of dating apps, I guess.


These next few weeks are going to be crucial for your bank account, Aries. This is not the weekend to treat yo’self. It’s the weekend to find someone on the apps and convince them to treat you. It’s the financially savvy thing to do.


Don’t be surprised if people start texting and asking who your dealer is, Taurus, because you have really-good-cocaine levels of energy right now. Use it! RSVP ‘yes’ to every party and then actually go! Sign up for an early morning (read: noon) yoga class and actually go! Just don’t be surprised when there’s a comedown in your future.


Everybody is into you right now, Gemini, so don’t be surprised to find several flings, hookups, and FWBs in your future. You’re in no mood for a new commitment, but there’s nothing wrong with some harmless flirting. Just try to be gentle when you inevitably ghost.


You’re feeling low-key tech savvy this weekend, and you’ve gotta take advantage of that feeling before it leaves. Use this weekend to set up whatever tech thing you’ve been too confused about to actually take on. Set up those Songs speakers. Build that website. Whatever you decide will be magically made clear. Then you can return to your normal life and resume having no idea how computers work.


This is the weekend for making moves—big moves. You’ve got the rare combination of motivation, energy, and optimism to get sh*t done. Make a list now of all the things you want to do this weekend, from actually getting your clothes dry-cleaned to finally starting that Etsy shop, and start crossing things off the list. It’s honestly the best feeling in the world.


Pack your sh*t and hop in a car/train/bus/pedicab right now because you are in the mood to GTFO. Home is great and all, but so is spending an entire weekend away from anyone you know and all your responsibilities. If a last minute mini-vacation isn’t possible, put your phone on airplane mode, grab a mojito, put on some whale sounds, and pretend to be at the beach.


Your Valentine’s Day hangover will last well into the weekend, making you (excuse my French) horny as hell. Ain’t no shame in it. Tell your significant other to cancel their evening plans, or fire up the ol’ dating app and see what halfway decent options there are out there. And if you can’t find anyone worth swiping right on, dim the lights and blow your own mind with a solo session. Nobody will ever love you like you love you anyway.


Your creeping skills are through the roof this weekend, so why not put them to good use investigating the Instagrams of every couple who annoyed you with their love on Valentine’s Day. How long have they been together? Is she the only one who posts couples pics? Is he following a ton of thot accounts? You have all the skills necessary to prove love is a lie.


It’s okay to ask for help, Sag! The post-Valentine’s Day feels plus every other goddamn thing going on in your life has you feeling stressed, so why not reach out to some trusted friends and let them know you’re feeling down. The squad will be at your place with two bottles of wine and a face mask in no time.


Your work-life balance is totally f*cked right now, Capricorn. Whether you’ve been binge-watching The Office (again) instead of doing that one project you were supposed to be working on all month, or if you’ve been working so hard you haven’t talked to your mom in two months, it’s time to restore balance. (Also, seriously, you should call your mom…)


Valentine’s Day still has you feeling some type of way, and it’s making you kind of suck right now. It’s okay, nobody is amazing all the time. This is the perfect time to spend the weekend with the one person who will never judge you—your cat. Don’t have a cat? Maybe it’s time to get one…


Everything is on the table this weekend, Pisces. You’re in the mood for an adventure, so don’t pass on new experiences just because they seem lame/too far away/boring/too expensive/too cheap. Take a risk and try something new. Worst comes to worst, you call an Uber and Irish goodbye.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.