Happy Birthday, America: Weekend Horoscopes July 5-7

If you aren’t feeling regret after eating six hot dogs or chugging all the Bud Light in the house, I guess you’re too good to be my friend.

Happy July 4th weekend, where we all explode explosions for America and get to take three to four days off, culminating in a world of regret come Monday. If you’re through with all the fireworks and questionable meat products and are ready to look to the stars for guidance on life this weekend, you’ve come to the right place.


Big ticket items may seem like a great investment now, Cancer, but slow your roll. You’ve been pretty good about your budget lately, and splurging on those Backstreet Boys reunion tour tickets isn’t the soundest investment right now, and neither is just treating yourself and buying those Jimmy Choos.

Budgets aside, you’re pretty amazing at expressing real, deep feelings this weekend, so don’t feel like you have to hold back with a significant other or potential new mate. Plan how to communicate clearly and effectively, and it’ll pay off for you in the long run.


Get in deep with your partner this weekend, Leo, and we don’t mean sexually. It’s the perfect opportunity for a weekend getaway in a very quiet, secluded spot, since the planets are causing all kinds of bullsh*t in your life. You’re also prone to be a little bossy lately, so removing all the extra noise will help you focus on being your best self. Try not to be a dick.


You’re pissy, Virgo, and everyone knows it. Instead of pushing all the crazy deep down, it’s best to be alone this weekend and let that sh*t play out in the privacy of your home.

Grab a pizza and pop in a war movie and get your rage blackout on. Once you feel slightly more refreshed, the eclipse from earlier in the week will have you feeling like you need to express all your feelings to your soulmate or bestie, so don’t hold back.


Cool it down, Libra. You’re usually cool and collected, but all the explosions for America have made you super prone to outbursts and losing your temper this weekend. You’re especially likely to snap at friends—whether they’re super close or more like acquaintances.

Just try not to do anything rash, unless severing a connection with a flaky friend has been coming for awhile. I mean, how many times can you take getting stood up at brunch last minute? Rude.


People are quick to judge you, Scorpio, so don’t give them any more reason to write you off as hostile and weird. You’re totally in the right to assert yourself, but don’t get crazy aggressive with it.

Your weekend horoscope is predicting that a friend or family member may do something kind of sh*tty or unexpected, so it’s important you stay true to yourself but not go insane. Uranus in your orbit may have something truly outrageous in store, so just try and prepare yourself for anything, from an unpaid bill at the bar to your friend trying to steal your dude.


Visiting family this weekend, Sagittarius? Don’t bring up politics or religion, as both are predicted to f*ck your sh*t up in the coming days. You’re so passionate about your hatred for Donald Trump that you tend to get carried away and alienate Grandma Jean and Uncle Joe.


The stars are doing WORK for you this weekend, Capricorn. Between the New Moon in Cancer plus Saturn and Pluto in your sign, you’re going to be feeling like something crazy will happen. It very well may, so be prepared to meet your soulmate, reconnect with your S.O., or whatever other weird sh*t the universe conjures up. Just be patient—in love and everything else—this weekend. Rash decisions will NOT pay off.


Listen to your gut, Aquarius. There are plenty of people—friends and fam included—that get off on drama, so don’t give in to anyone trying to up the ante of crazy in your personal life. Remember that opinions are like assholes: everyone has one.


Slow the f*ck down, Pisces, and take a breath. Every time you try to rush, you end up regretting it, like that time you tried to see how many burritos you could eat in 2o minutes. Nobody wins. Also, watch your mouth. A dumbass comment can get you into huge trouble or a fight this weekend, so try to think before you speak.


You’re asking for forgiveness, not permission, Aries, which seems like a dangerous attitude considering both the long weekend and amount of explosives associated with it. We get that patience is hard, but this weekend it may be the better choice than rushing into a decision head first.


Let the sh*t roll off you, Taurus, and don’t let someone else’s bad attitude ruin your weekend. It’s a great time to relax, so put off any big home projects or parties and focus on you this weekend. Chances are, big endeavors aren’t going to pay off like you planned anyway (please don’t try to tackle repainting the bathroom alone), so hang tight and revisit it next week. Heading out of the house and distracting yourself at a great restaurant or antique store is the perfect distraction.


Newsflash, Gemini: you aren’t always right. Yes, we know you know a lot about a lot, but no one likes a know-it-all. Try to sit back and listen this weekend instead of dominating the discussion. It gets boring for everyone, and you’ll quickly find that no one wants to hang with the guy (or girl) that’s always got a point to make.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson