June is officially back on this week’s Handmaid’s Tale and TBH, I couldn’t be happier. When we last left our intrepid handmaid, she was in the hospital after casually miscarrying for 24 hours and watching her boyfriend get married to a high school freshman. You know, typical Gilead shit. Let’s get into it, shall we?
At The Scary Gyno’s Office
We open on the too-bright Gyno’s office where June is, as is Gilead’s custom, having a pelvic exam in front of an audience. Every woman’s literal nightmare. Like, it’s bad enough that the doctor even has to be there for your pap smear. No need to add additional humans.
Mrs. Waterford, who probably feels bad for breaking Offred’s brain and then forcing her to watch her boyfriend get married to Hannah Montana, offers to let June check out the ultrasound. It’s a sweet moment until you consider that Serena Joy still 100% intends to steal this baby once it is born.
This, in Gilead, is the pinnacle of female friendship.
Back At The Waterford’s
I am happy to report that bitchy mean June is back.
Serena Joy: Offred would you like a delicious green juice
Everything is gucci in the Waterford household until Nick’s infant wife arrives on the scene to remind us all that Nick has an infant wife now and she’s like, totally obsessed with him. Very high school. Which is appropriate because she is in high school. (That is, if women are allowed to go to high school in this universe.)
Once SJ and Baby Wife are gone, Nick and June have a much needed “what are we?” conversation, that turns into a breakup because don’t they always?
Me watching this whole scene: I’m so glad Nick and his new wife aren’t fucking. Thank God for good guys in this world. Nick won’t disappoint me!
Narrator: Nick will disappoint her.
Rita walks in and gives them the “I know you guys are fucking” look. Marthas don’t play.
The Rachel And Leah Center
Cut to: Tiny Dick Waterford at his shitty job.
Mr. Whateverford is overseeing the construction of a state of the art new torture zone for handmaids. Being that she is VP of Handmaid Torture, Aunt Lydia is also there.
Aunt Lydia: Wow all the women in your life are so strong and have minds of their own.
Mr. Waterford: Ugh I know so annoying, right?
The new construction site is called “The Rachel and Leah Center,” which in any other world would be a really expensive yoga studio, but in Gilead it’s a brainwashing and sexual misconduct hub.
Seriously, this place looks like it could be a dope Lifetime Fitness. I’d waste $1k on a gym membership I don’t ever use here. Hopefully it will be repurposed once Gilead’s bullshit is over.
Nick’s Sad Loft
Now we’re at Nick’s dingy one bedroom above the garage that seems more appropriate for an 18-year-old boy who wants to live with his parents without actually living with his parents than a grown ass man with a job and a family.
Nick: Sooo….let me know if you need anything.
Baby Wife: I want you to take my virginity.
Nick: I was thinking more like, if you wanted me to buy a Brita filter but okay.
From this scene, we learn that Baby Wife is obsessed with housework and fucking. One of those is pretty typical for teenagers.
Baby Wife starts putting the moves on her husband, and Nick does the only appropriate thing for an adult man to do when a teenage girl offers him sex: he leaves the room. CC: all men ever. Nick knows what to do.
Narrator: Nick does not know what to do.
Baby Wife: You can smoke in here! It’s your
sad one bedroom above a garage house! You can do whatever you want.
Nick: I want to leave.
Meanwhile, June is crashing on the couch because stairs are bad for the baby. Living in an oppressive religious patriarchy is also probably bad for the baby, but nobody is discussing that.
Serena Joy: Offred tell me what it’s like to be pregnant.
June: Well you can’t smoke —
Serena Joy: — and I’m out.
Flashback To Serena Joy’s Origin Story
In this week’s series of flashbacks, we learn that in her previous life Serena Joy was some sort of Tomi Lahren type figure if instead of yelling about NFL players kneeling, Tomi Lahren advocated for women to “embrace their biological destiny” and become baby making machines. So like, Tomi Lahren a year from now, basically.
Serena is supposed to speak at some event and at first you think the crowd is cheering for her, but we quickly learn they fucking hate her. Like, is there not one person in this crowd who came to hear her speak forreal?
Serena Joy: They like me! They really like me!
The Crowd: FASCIST BITCH!!!!!
SJ tries to give her speech, but the crowd goes fucking nuts, screaming over her and calling her a “Nazi c*nt” before she’s even said hello. As any woman who has ever used Twitter can attest, this behavior is not unique to Gilead.
Mr. Waterford: People can’t treat you like this!!! This is America!
Mrs. Waterford: Not if I have anything to do with it…
Back At The Waterford’s
Back to June, who is literally so bored she’s going to seek out a conversation with Mr. Waterford. Girl I know this whole world tortures you, but why torture yourself?
June initiates the conversation the same way any woman has ever initiated a conversation with her ex: “Are you mad at me?”
Mr. Waterford then responds the exact way every lying ex ever has by saying “no” and refusing to make direct eye contact.
Why is this happening? Am I supposed to be cool with these two being friends now? Because I’m literally not.
This entire scene I am distracted by Mr. Waterford’s meal, which is a large block of cheddar cheese, an entire loaf of bread, and a glass of milk, which he eats with a giant knife. This fucker has got. to. go.
Per usual, Mr. Watercuck (Am I using that insult right? I’ve never used it before. Wanted to see how it felt…) takes June saying hello as an invitation to hit on her. Men.
The next day, Becky the Baby Bride (can you guys tell I don’t know her name?) comes to bother June about why Nick won’t have sex with her.
Becky Baby: I feel so stupid…
June: Imagine how stupid you’ll feel when you find out this is his baby.
Honestly, this scene warmed my heart. It’s just great to see that even in a tyrannical oppressive government, being a two-faced bitch to your ex’s new gf is still a thing.
Infant Wife: He he hates me! I’m so ugly!
June: Omg girl noooo you’re soooo cute. Like I’m jealous. **immediately texts OfGlen about how ugly and stupid Baby Wife is**
Like the teenager that she is, Baby Wife floats the idea that Nick won’t have sex with her because he’s gay.
June: …he’s not…
The Handmaid’s Brunch
SJ decides to extend an olive branch to June by doing the only thing there is left to do when someone is going through a public (and government-mandated) breakup: she plans a brunch with the girls.
And like most people who plan a mandatory brunch, Serena quickly realizes that nobody wants to talk to her and she is forced to fuck off to her garden.
Handmaids While Serena Is There: We’ve been sent good weather…Praise Be…
Handmaids When Serena Leaves: Omfg I can’t believe you live with her she’s sooooo annoying.
This is literally the saddest group meal since my friend Michelle hosted a dinner to let us all know we probably got herpes from her water bottle at Electric Zoo. Tragic.
Anyway, Serena has no friends so she goes to find solace with her plants. Very Neville Longbottom of her.
Flashback To Serena’s Origin Story
We’re back at the protest, that is starting to look like a legit riot and/or any time a Philly sports team wins something. Surprisingly Serena uses this as an opportunity to win them over.
The Crowd: WE HATE YOU
The Crowd: Wait I get it now…
Serena has -.5 seconds to enjoy her win over the angry mob before someone SHOOTS HER IN THE FUCKING UTERUS.
Yep. That’s right. Serena’s origin story is that she was SHOT IN THE UTERUS BY ANTIFA!!!!!
Narrator: It doesn’t.
Back At The Waterford’s
Cut to: Serena and June chilling decorating the nursery like two regular gal pals and not two people yolked together by biological slavery. Cute.
Pros of the new nursery: It exists in the one inch sliver of Sun that touches the Waterford household.
Cons of the new nursery: It is in the Waterford household.
June takes the new friendship too far and
asks Serena to hang outside of work asks Serena to take her to go see her baby. I guess the thinking here is that if Serena could take her to see Hannah once for revenge, she could easily do it again for friendship.
Serena: It’s a no from me.
IDK what June thought was going to happen here. She, of all people, should know who she’s fucking with when she fucks with Serena Joy. Serena Joy is like Megyn Kelly if Megyn Kelly blew up the fucking White House.
Cut to: June telling Nick he has to have sex with an underage girl. Goddamnit Nick. Goddamnit June. Goddamnit everyone.
Nick: I don’t want to?
June: Oh so you have to fuck someone you don’t want to? That’s so sad for you.
Nick (before leaving to go have sex with a 9th grader): I love you.
Cut to: Nick saying a prayer before having sex with Baby Wife. We’re really doing this, aren’t we? Clearly, I am not happy about this. But at least Nick isn’t either.
Aaaand there’s a sheet with a hole in it. Of course there’s a sheet with a hole in it. Did we really think we were going to get through Handmaid’s Tale without seeing two people have sad rape-adjacent sex through a sheet with a hole in it? Honestly shame on me for not calling this sooner.
Just like all bad sex, the whole thing ends with Nick turning over and asking “are you okay?” Note to all men: if the sex ends with you finishing and then saying “are you okay?” something has gone terribly wrong.
Baby Wife: I can’t wait to see if it works.
Me: Girl this isn’t Secret Life Of The American Teenager. You had sex one time. You’re not pregnant. Calm down.
Honestly, I am disappointed in all parties involved. Nick. June. Hulu. The person who invented TV. All of them.
While all of this is going down, Serena Joy is back in her garden, being pissed at June.
Mr. Waterford: Rita said you were in here all day.
Serena Joy: Rita needs to keep my name out her mouth.
Serena Joy: The fucking handmaid asked me if she could see her baby isn’t that so unreasonable?
Mr. Waterford: I will use this info for sex thank you.
Flashback To Serena In The Hospital
The only thing I have to say about this scene is that Mr. Waterford is a grotsky little beyotch and it’s funny to me that Serena calls the sniper a “terrorist” when she’s literally 12 months shy of blowing up Congress and overthrowing the government of the United States.
Back At The Waterford’s
Mr. Waterford sneaks his gross ass into June’s room for some fuckery because of course he fucking did. Grotsky. Little. Beyotch.
Mr. Waterford: Hey, I got you this pic of your daughter
June: Omg thank you this is such a kind gestu—
Mr. Waterford: **grabs her boob**
So, the picture of June’s child was a sex favor. Of course it was.
Mr. Waterford: Soooo…about us fucking
June: Omg wish I could but I’m worried about the baby.
“I’m worried about the baby” is the “I need to find my friend” or Handmaid’s Tale.
Cut to: June eating a roast beef patty, a bunch of tomatoes, and milk for breakfast.
Child Bride walks in and gives everybody a look that can only mean “I lost my virginity.”
Serena Joy uses this opportunity to play some mind games on June, who she’s still angry with. The whole scene is an extended “don’t you think his hair looks sexy pulled back?”
Serena Joy (to Child Bride): Drop something on the floor and make Offred pick it up.
June: ….I need to find my friend.
The Rachel And Leah Center Launch Party
Creep by day, creep by night, Mr. Waterford is now giving a big speech to open up the Rachel and Leah Torture Emporium.
Blah blah blah he’s giving some long dumb speech about handmaids while the handmaids stand around and watch. Honestly, he’s so boring. I fucking hate this guy. I wish one of the handmaids would just like build a bomb and — OH MY GOD ONE OF THE HANDMAIDS BUILT A BOMB AND BLEW THE WHOLE PLACE UP.
I literally can’t with this show. I’m not mentally ready for next week.