I Miss The Old Offred: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

By Alise Morales | May 17, 2018
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It comes as no surprise to us Handmaid’s fans that this week’s episode was bleak as hell. June’s brain has officially been broken, making her Offred until further notice. Much like a friend who got hot in college, Offred has lost all personality and is merely a shell of her former self, seeking only to please those around her. It’s so sad. Offred used to be fun.

Back At The Waterford’s

We open on Offred going down on the sink. Okay. She goes to grab the very, very top secret letters she was supposed to deliver for Mayday that she’d cleverly hid…behind the tub? Considering Aunt Lydia’s penchant for busting into the bathroom for random vagina checks, this seems like a bad place to hide such sensitive documents.

But none of that matters anyway because June is Offred now and Offred has decided to use the letters to make a fire. In the house. Once again, not the best idea.

Nick: Hey Offred, I can’t help but notice you’ve lit a bunch of letters on fire in the kitchen.
Offred: I’m not supposed to be out of my room…
Nick: Right cool you also aren’t supposed to light fires in the house? That’s not even a Gilead thing that’s like, a being in the house thing.

Cut to: Offred doing her daily weigh in/poop check/vaginal smell test.

So I guess Aunt Lydia is also Offred’s doula? Are the Aunts given midwifery training at Aunt school? Again, I need Aunt Lydia’s backstory like, yesterday.

Offred does a weigh in and she’s apparently 132 pounds, and I am honor-bound to call call bullshit. Isn’t she like…5 months pregnant? Elizabeth Moss is tiny, but she doesn’t seem that tiny. As a result of this announcement, I went down a pregnancy Google rabbit hole that will have my Facebook ads thinking I want to buy a crib for years to come. Here are my findings:

Elizabeth Moss is 5’3.
The average 5’3 woman is anywhere between 107 and 140 pounds.
The average woman gains 25 to 30 pounds while pregnant.
The average underweight woman (which Offred, being a Handmaid, might be) gains 28 to 40 pounds.
Aunt Lydia says later in the episode that Offred’s baby is the size of a papaya, meaning she is five and a half months pregnant.
This random pregnancy weight gain calculator I used said that Offred’s weight gain is on track.
My personal goal weight is 135 pounds.

The verdict: Offred’s weight (while potentially correct) is an attack on me and my family.

Aunt Lydia Vs. The World

Once we’ve nailed down when Offred’s last shit was, Aunt Lydia sends her upstairs to wash her vagina and she and Serena Joy get to have a little girl-to-girl chat.

Serena lights up another Virginia Slim, because I guess she knows nothing about how second hand smoke affects pregnant people.

Aunt Lydia: You know, I used to smoke too.
Me:

Turns out Mr. and Mrs. Waterford are over Aunt Lydia and want her out of the house. Literally same.

Mr. Waterford comes down the stairs on his way to Narc School or whatever the fuck he does all day, and tries to ask how “the handmaid” is doing. True lol at him and Serena pretending they’re concerned about Offred’s sudden change in mental state. That consideration probably would have been good approximately 100 sexual assaults ago.

Just like me at Sunday brunch, Aunt Lydia realizes she is not wanted and dips out early to go bother someone else.

Back To The Colonies

We’re back at the colonies, where everyone is still dying from exposure to toxic waste, but at least Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine is there.

Janine, who is truly the SpongeBob of the colonies, still sees the good in the world and believes God has a plan for her and shit.

Janine: Aunt Lydia says God loves us all!
Me: Uh Aunt Lydia literally ripped your eye out and sent you to die in a toxic waste dump…

Serena And Offred Take A Walk

Cut to: Offred taking a shit.

You know, if I wanted to see this many bodily functions/fluids, I’d watch a Jackass movie. Thanks.

Offred sees blood in her underwear but, being that her brain has been broken, she just kind of cleans up and goes about her day. No tampon. No pad. Nada.

Me: Is Offred wearing Thinx?

Who would have guessed that a life of horrific stress followed by a fake hanging followed by a failed escape followed by being chained to a bed for several days may not have led to a healthy pregnancy?

SJ and Offred meet up for their daily walk, and Serena tries to bond with Offred the only surefire way two women who barely know each other can: by talking shit about some other chick they both know.

Serena: Lol OfZachary is so fucking ugly right?
Offred: Yes Mrs. Waterford.

Offred refuses to play ball with SJ’s shit talking and Serena gets very annoyed. This is the first time I’ve ever related to her in two seasons of this show. I hate when people won’t play ball with my shit talking. It’s rude.

Serena: Why won’t you talk shit with me, I want my baby to hear me talking shit.
Offred: Yes Mrs. Waterford.

Serena:

Back At The Waterford’s

Much like my parents freshman year of high school, Nick and Serena meet up in the kitchen to quietly discuss whether or not Offred has lost her fucking mind.

Nick: Hey so I’m worried about Offred — you know, the handmaid your government kidnapped then you made me impregnate and then she ran away and then you re-kidnapped her — I feel like something’s off. Maybe we should get her a therapist?
SJ: Why are you so obsessed with her?
Me: Wtf there are THERAPISTS in GILEAD?

Serena Joy proves once again that she’s a bigger snake than Taylor Swift and immediately tells Mr. Waterford that Nick is concerned about Offred. This makes Mr. Waterford jealous because Mr. Waterford is a friendless little bitch.

Mr. Waterford and his micropenis then immediately run to his boss under the guise of getting Nick “promoted” out of the house.

Mr. Waterford: I think Nick deserves a promotion! Something that will get him out of the house…
Mr. Waterford’s Boss: Hmm…this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re a baby back bitch with no life, does it?

Luckily for Mr. Waterford (and sadly for literally everyone else) there is a plan B to this situation, and it true Handmaid’s fashion, it fucking sucks and nobody saw it coming.

Prayvaganza

Cut to: Offred bathing in her own miscarriage blood. That can’t be good for her vagina smell.

Once again, Offred just like, washes the blood off and goes about her day. What’s the plan here? Is there a plan here?

Rita: Offred are you okay? You look like you just had a miscarriage and bathed in it?
Offred: I’m good, actually.

Turns out everyone is getting ready to go to an event called “Prayvaganza” which sounds like something RuPaul would say but is, in fact, the Gilead version of Coachella.

Serena Joy: Get in loser, we’re going to Prayvaganza.

As expected, the Gilead version of Coachella is just like, a really long church service with sinister undertones.

Mr. Waterford’s Boss: And now for the main event…
Me: Omg is Beyoncé going to perform?
Mr. Waterford’s Boss: A WEDDING!!!

Turns out this whole thing is just an elaborate ruse to get Nick married off so he can’t do something annoying like suggest Offred should see a therapist again. This entire sequence is the creepiest thing Handmaid’s Tale has done all season and Offred just bathed in her own blood.

The only bright side here is that you know that somewhere deep down inside Offred, June the normal girl is still there because she still has the capacity to be jealous of her ex’s new gf.

Nick: *Unveils his new wife*
Offred: Whatever she’s not even cute…

The whole time this bizarre wedding is going down, I full expected Offred to stand up and sing all of Satisfied from Hamilton, but she doesn’t.

Instead, June just like, blinks herself back into being Offred and starts clapping. It’s the creepiest thing this show has done since the whole wedding ceremony two seconds ago.

Back To Bikini Bottom The Colonies

Janine proves my SpongeBob theory by proceeding to pick dandelions while they’re supposed to be digging up toxic sludge.

Emily (Squidward): Why tf do you believe in God?

Janine: *watches a person almost die right in front of her*
Idk I just do!

Turns out the woman who just almost died is in a relaysh with another woman there. I guess Hinge still works in the colonies. Good to know.

Cut to: Weird Sad Wedding #2, brought to you by Janine.

Weddings in the colonies are not much better than those in Gilead, but at least the people actually know/love each other. At least there’s that.

Janine (SpongeBob): W is for this wedding that I just planned
E is for everybody loves…God!
D is for dying but in a happy way because —

Emily (Plankton): What the living fuck are you doing?

Emily brings up some good points, namely that religion literally stole Janine’s eye, Emily’s clit, and “sold them off to be married like cows.”

Janine (an intellectual): Cows don’t get married…

Serena’s Sex Talk

Onto pt. 2 of Nick’s weird wedding, where everyone reads Bible verses in the dark. Awesome.

Finally get a real look at Nick’s new wife, and she is approximately 15-years-old. Great.

Serena: Who wants champagne?
Offred: *Says nothing*
Serena: AND NONE FOR OFFRED THE HANDMAID BYE!!!!

Offred is continuing to miscarry because that is what happens when women are denied agency over their bodies and access to comprehensive pre and post natal care.

Anyway, I’m just gonna leave this here:

Click Here To Donate To Planned Parenthood.

Next, SJ and Mrs. Nick get some much needed alone time.

Mrs. Nick: That’s for having me in your home, Mrs. Waterford.
Serena: Cut the shit do you know what sex is?

Meanwhile, Limp Dick Waterford and Nick are having a man-chat of their own.

Nick: By God’s grace I’ll have a child of my own…you know, other than the one your handmaid is currently pregnant with because we were in love and you’re shooting blanks.

Nick goes out to have a pre “I have to have sex with my child bride” cigg when he happens upon a horrific discovery: Offred, laying in the mud like she’s doing one of those intense ANTM challenges, apparently dead or like, almost dead.

Nick (screaming into the sky):
I miss the old Offred
Chop off her ear Offred
Gone half a year Offred

I hate the new Offred
Light as a feather Offred
“We’ve been sent good weather” Offred
Now we’re not together Offred

I miss when June was Offred
The “we’re not doomed” Offred
I gotta say, at that time I’d like to marry Offred
See, I impregnated Offred, and really liked Offred
And now I look around and there’s no baby Offred
I used to love Offred, I used to love Offred
I even had the hat with wings I thought I was Offred

What if Offred wrote a book about Offred
Called ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ by Offred
Man that’d be so Offred
That’s all it was, Offred
I still love Offred
And I love my new wife like Offred loves Offred
(Not at all)

Luckily, Offred is not dead, and surprisingly neither is her baby. How is that even possible? How did this baby survive? Most babies would not survive even one of the things Offred has been through, let alone the combination. Is this baby Harry Potter? I’m literally confused…

Offred realizes the baby is still alive and gives it a little pep-talk, which can only mean one thing…June is back, bitches!

Thank fucking God.