Gwyneth Paltrow really wants you to buy your mom a vibrator. Goop’s annual Mother’s Day Gift Guide is here, and as expected, it’s the perfect blend of WTF and delusion.
There are—count ‘em—nine vibrators, a sex pillow, “DTF” pills, and heated lube to celebrate “those who raised us.” While the image of giving your loving caregiver a *selfie stick* over eggs benny during brunch makes you cringe, Goop also recommends giving these gifts as a thank you to your teacher (???).
The guide is obviously high end and features many tried and true beauty products, designer clothes, and overall ~fancy~ things, but it’s hard to imagine who *actually* shops Gwyn’s list besides Kourtney Kardashian. If you can believe it, Kourt created her own Mom’s Day Guide on Poosh that was even more unhinged. It included an “adult baby rocker”—essentially a terrifyingly gigantic BabyBjörn—that costs $2,900. Leave it to Kourtney to make Gwyneth seem grounded.
Does the mom in your life deserve to have sexual freedom and the tweed Chanel purse from Gwyn’s list? Absolutely. But if there’s not a financial roadblock for you there should be a mental one.
While the rest of us can expect a card with macaroni glued on it, Apple Martin is somewhere crying on her laptop trying to find something vagina scented for her mom.
1) Organic Yoga Mat
When you lose half a day of skiing and still need to work out.
2) Chanel White Tweed Rectangular Flap Mini
Chanel bags are actually staples of Goop gift guides. For the person who is really buying themselves a gift when they’re buying for their mother.
3) Linen Zigzag-Stitch Tablecloth
New TV, plane ticket to London, child care for a week. These are all things you can buy for $700 instead of this fucking tablecloth.
4) Botanical Chill Gumdrops
The ultimate splurge for the almond mom in your life—nine whole pieces of candy! These better have THC in them or what’s the point?
5) All The Vibrators
Help your mom take care of the place you came from. Totally normal!
6) A Stay In Portuguese Wine Country
This is not the only international trip on this list. Sorry, mom, I’m taking myself overseas this summer.
7) LYMA Laser Starter Kit
It’s $2,700, and I’m pretty sure my mom would think this is a laser toy for the cat.
8) Postpartum Retreat At The Thompson Central Park ($2,700 For Three Nights)
Wait, wait—this is a thing?! I just went home from the hospital after giving birth in my diaper and cried into my pillowcase for a week.
9) Sound Healing Oracle Deck Set
If your boomer mom needs her phone to access a QR code, she ain’t doing it.
The idea of Gwyneth wearing Birks is almost laughable.
11) ALIITA Patito Enamel Duckling Necklace
Don’t you ducking dare.
12) ASSOULINE The Impossible Collection of Fashion
A $1,000 book. That’s it, that’s the joke.
13) Pavé Sister Hooks Necklace
At $9,000, this is the most expensive gift on Gwyn’s guide. Foundrae necklaces can be as much at $100K. Fortunately for us, Gwyn knew we were on a budget and chose wisely.
14) Armadillo Baby Carrier
Goop promises this carrier will look “cute” on mom, even if she’s a puddle of sweat whose messy bun has slowly become lopsided as she’s lugging a kid that’s *maybe* a little too big for this.
15) God’s True Cashmere Button-Down Shirt
A flannel-patterned shirt that looks like something you wore to a high school barn party in 2009 while wearing Birkenstocks.