Gwyneth Paltrow Somehow Manages to Make Even Divorce Elitist

Gwyneth Paltrow is splitting up with her husband Chris Martin and she's taken to her blog to explain why/how in the most elitist way possible: by referring to her divorce as conscious uncoupling.  WTF is conscious uncoupling you ask? In addition to being an elitist and self-aggrandizing way of saying, “I'm getting divorced” unconscous coupling is “a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace”. The theory posits that marriages aren't necessarily meant to last that long and as our life spans get longer, it's only logical that we have multiple long term partners.  

Now I'm sure her separation is a lot more angst ridden than the psych dissertation that was her public statement but the concept doesn't sound entirely ridiculous. Anyway, I'll bet her issues with Chris Martin stem less from them no longer being besties and more with his objection to her habits of dressing their daughters in slutty bikinis, refusal to feed them anything besides sriracha infused salmon, and general responsibility for the fact that he has to tell people his kids are named fucking Apple and Moses. Talk about another annoying thing to have to explain in Banana Splits…


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