For Just $220, You Can Look (And Fuck) As Good As Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow, she of vagina steaming fame, is so infamous for her bougie shitbaggery at this point that making fun of her for being a haughty asshole is about as original as calling Donald Trump a racist. But in a way, that’s actually an apt comparison. The same way Donald Trump continues to find new and interesting talking points that would make Jefferson Davis say “that was way harsh, Tai,” Gwyneth consistently comes up with new and expensive ways to rid her pristine body of the horrendous filth that the great unwashed ingest every day. Yesterday, she shared her morning “smoothie” (her scare-quotes, not mine), and it’s, uh, interesting. Here’s the recipe, courtesy of the Daily Mail:

Obviously, there’s nothing too weird here until you get to the shit you can’t pronounce. Those are examples of something called “moon juices,” which are in fact not made from the moon but from fruits, vegetables and bullshit holistic ingredients that don’t do anything. The “moon dust” (also not of the actual moon, I learned) is made from stevia and other inert ingredients, depending on the type of dust. Gwyneth recommends, among other things, the “Sex Dust” to help sexual function, because you know she likes to ride that dick like she stole it.

The Daily Mail also broke down the cost of the ingredients, and surprise surprise, it’s expensive as fuck. The whole batch will run you about $220, depending on how much fuck dust you like in the morning. They very helpfully separated the costs into dollars, and also some other currency which is clearly made up:

Now, calling it $220 is a little disingenuous, because that’s for the whole starter kit—with these ingredients, you’d get 12 smoothies out of it before you had to reorder something (the moon dust). I did the math, and it comes out to about $11.50 per serving (more if you want to quantify a “pinch” of the last two things, which I did not). That’s still a shit-ton more than Robeks charges, but I guess if you’re the type of person to blow steam up your vagina, spending $12 every morning isn’t a huge bother.

I’m sure this a tasty smoothie, but the whole point of smoothies is that they’re cheap, easy ways to get a lot of nutrients into your body in a way that’s easy to digest. You don’t need to spend a month’s rent on lunar fuck dust to be healthy, and in fact here are some smoothie ideas to get you started.


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