In today’s edition of “soon the rich will begin hunting humans for sport, because life is boring,” Gwyneth Paltrow takes to her GOOP blog to talk about Tikkun Spa’s Mugworth V-Steam. The treatment, besides costing 50 goddamn dollars for 30 minutes, consists of sitting on a little chair and having steam blown up your baby chute:
“… a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels.”
Now, steam is good for lots of things – rendering vegetables vibrant and tendercrisp, or polishing floors via your Shark Steam & Spray Mop (my hardwood floors are so clean you could eat off them (ladies)). What it’s not good for is your vagina, which one doctor (only one?) points out via her blog:
“… the lactobacilli strains that keep vaginas healthy are very finicky about their environment and raising the temperature with steam and whatever infrared nonsense Paltrow means is likely not beneficial and is potentially harmful… There is also the possibility that the “steam” from these plants could contain volatile substances that are harmful to lactobacilli or other aspects of the vaginal ecosystem.
“I’m not sure what our gal GP thinks balancing hormones actually is (because it means nothing medical), but I am confident when I say that steaming your vagina with wormwood or mugwort will not do anything to hormones because these plants are not hormones.”
So there you have it. Don’t blow steam up your vagina, ladies. Besides, everyone knows they're are better served battered and deep fried than steamed, anyway.