Gwyneth Paltrow is getting an awful lot of attention for her new Goop sex guide, which I’m pretty sure by now is the only reason she produces these, right? Like, she can’t possibly assume that her advice and buying guides are of any value to anyone but a handful of people (though her book, It’s All Easy, is occupying valuable real estate on the NYT Bestseller list that could be home to far more helpful tomes). One of her fuck lists, “not so basic sex toys,” is getting attention for one item in particular:
“Yep, it’s a 24-karat gold dildo,” she writes. “Yep, I sprinkle lunar sex dust on my oatmeal, because the only thing keeping me from joining a cult is my team of handlers.”
Look, good sex toys are, like, SHOCKINGLY expensive. The best is that there’s no apparent benefit of rutting yourself with a gilded dildo—at least the $155 “Bloodstone Wand” is “thought to heal as it stimulates.” And the smugness! You have to be an incredibly rich asshole to simply say “yeah, so this fake dong costs more than your car, so what?” Reviewers of the dildo (yes, there are reviewers) claim that the precious metal conducts heat, so Gwyneth could have at least mentioned that the thermodynamics of this sex toy may be the closest she’ll ever get to feeling the warmth of human flesh in the confines of her steamy vagina.
If you can afford a $15,000 clit tickler, a) my condolences on the passing of your husband, I’m as shocked as anyone that he keeled over at the age of 85 and b) cucumbers are free.