Dear Head Pro,
For years now I've had one best guy friend who I've secretly had a crush on [So he’s not really a friend. Got it.]. He's not the type to settle down and has never had a girlfriend. I've gone out with and hooked up with quite a few bros throughout our friendship, all which he has known about. One of them was his cousin. I'm at a point where I no longer want to just be friends with this guy. I'm having a hard time bringing the conversation up, mostly because I don't know for sure that he feels the same way about me. While I have suspicions he does based on body language/the amount of time we spend together, how can I tell for sure? He also makes comments every time I tell him I've hooked up with a guy and brings up the incident with his cousin (which was 3 years ago) regularly as if to say he's upset about it. What do I do? I feel like I'm going insane because he's the one I want and can't seem to get.
Probably Sounding Pathetic Betch
Dear Cousin Fucker,
Yeah, things aren’t looking great for you, and not just because you fucked his cousin, though that doesn’t help. At all. The real issue is that guys are kind of particular when it comes to the girls they date and their romantic pasts. No reasonable bro expects (or even wants) every girl he dates to be some kind of virginal flower. Far from it, really. But what we don’t want is to be intimately familiar with your precise sexual archive. It’s one thing to know, in a general sense, that other guys came before us, but it’s another thing entirely to be privy to every single other dude who’s pronged you. It just leaves a bad taste in our mouths.
So that’s where you’re at. If he doesn’t have feelings for you, he probably never will because he’s a little too aware of things. If he does have feelings for you, that’s even worse because he has to fight with those feelings while also knowing about every other guy who’s had his hands on the girl he likes. Really though, if this guy was ever interested he would have tried something by now, especially if he’s as promiscuous as you make him out to be. The whole thing with the cousin just shut a door that was probably never really open. I know it was three years ago, but that’s a blood relative. No one wants to follow that, ever.
He may value your friendship and enjoy your company, but you’re probably not on his dating radar for, well, SO MANY reasons.
This is Why You Don’t Have Guy Friends,
Dear Head Pro,
So I'm quite you're above average betch. I come from the NJ suburbs, I'm spoiled, I get what I want, I'm hot, tall, and most importantly skinny. Ever since graduating from college and getting to really explore NYC, I've been introduced to a lot of pros. They all seem really into me and I know I'm an amazing catch but sometimes I wonder if they are only into me because I'm a Black betch.
Head pro, can you please tell me if pro's are actually attracted to the tanner/tannest betches or is it every pros dream to 'see what it's like' to be with a Black Betch. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, “you're the first Black Betch I've…” [Really? Do guys actually refer to you as a “betch?”] Should I accept the fact that most of my NYC pros will only be briefly attracted to me because of my perfect tan or do some pros actually see Betches like me as beautiful too?
-disclaimer I'm not into Black or Asian men so my only other choice is to become a lesbian. And I think my parents are homophobic… So sadly that won't work either…
Your fellow Black Betch
Dear Fellow Black Betch (Though I am neither black nor a woman),
Wow. There’s, just, so much going on here. You’re concerned about your race being a novelty, but are picky about race yourself. You’re under the assumption that white guys will confuse your God-given skin tone as a degree of suntan, as though the concept of race is completely foreign to us white folks because we all grew up in whiteville, population: white people. To be fair, some people grow up more sheltered than others, but I doubt that any guy who’s at least watched, say, an NBA game is going to come up to you and be like “OMG you’re so dark! What tanning salon do you use?”
It’s hard to generalize an entire gender, but yes you’re definitely going to have some guys who see your nubian vagina as a novelty or an item on their sexual bucket list. This is probably not what you’re looking for. It really just depends on the person and how open they are to not regarding your race as a major factor in what attracts them to you. It’s fine, and even normal, to have a predilection for a particular race, provided it doesn’t cross the line into an obsession or fetish (ask an Asian betch how that feels). Ultimately, just like any girl you’re looking for people who like your race/appearance because it’s a part of who you are, not because it defines you to them.
How do you find those people? The same way as anyone else, through trial and error and experience. Consider that if some guys seem attracted to you only briefly, it could be because the racial novelty has worn off, or it could be that it just, you know, wasn’t working for them. Sure, you’ll run into the special kind of asshole who’s in it only because he wants some chocolate, but in general, you’ll probably have better luck doing your best to not make your race a bigger issue than it needs to be. There are already plenty of people who will do that for you. There are also plenty of people who, if you’re what they’re looking for in a woman, could give two shits about your race.
I’m Not Into Asian Men Either (I bet your parents would like that about me),
Got a question only the Head Pro is douchey enough to answer? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.