The Betches’ Guide to Office Holiday Parties

Betches love not doing work, but there are two times a year when having a job actually pays off. The first is Summer Fridays, because getting paid to hang out in Surf Lodge isn’t that bad, and the other is obvi the office holiday party.

If you work in one of the betchy “R” industries (PR, HR etc), chances are you actually have cool co-workers that you’ve partied with before. While you may have enjoyed a few Halloween candies with your betchy co-workers, hanging out with the entire office is a different story.  Holiday office parties are where nice girls get too fucked up and sent home, but you’ve already mastered the art of acting not drunk when you actually are. You’ll want to enjoy all the top shelf liquor your company’s open bar can buy you, but you should also like, try not to fall into your boss’ lap because that would be a major faux pas.

The best way to kill it at your office holiday party is to dress (somewhat) appropriately, because it’s fun to fuck with people’s expectations of you. People act stupid at their holiday parties and forget everything they learned in sexual harassment training. For some reason, every bro thinks he has a shot when there’s an open bar and a Christmas tree in the mix.

If you do hook up with your work crush at your holiday party, don’t do it in front of everyone. The last thing you want is everybody talking about it when you’re hungover AF the next day.  Also, if one of your supervisors starts hitting on you – keep it classy and friendly, and they’ll probably give you a raise because you were so cool about how gross they were.

If you work at a big company where you rent out like the Roseland Ballroom or something, then by all means, fuck someone, and try to make it a celebrity if you can. Just remember, every time you look this person in the eyes in a conference room sober, you’ll never be able to unsee their naked body. So keep that in mind.

If you don’t get in at least one drunk heart to heart with your female boss about like woman empowerment, then you’re missing out. Girl bosses are your best friends at holiday parties – plus it’s a fun game to try and act sober while you talk about how much you admire her work ethic and impressive Theory suit selection.

The best part of office holiday parties, besides the open bar, is the professional photographer or photo booth that your company shells out on. Like great, I was looking for a new profile photo. This will hold me over until New Years. 

If your holiday party has at least a few celebrities, an open bar, and a professional photographer, then congrats, you work for a betchy company. Now lean in…to tell the bartender you want another shot, that is.


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