A Betch’s Guide To Anal

Something about Nicki rapping about rim jobs and the fact that one too many betches have experienced bros thinking it’s ok to casually finger their asshole during sex brings me to believe that we may have an epidemic on the rise: mainstream anal attempts. Much like meth, it’s something we’ve rightfully been taught to just say no to. Most betches have zero desire to even considering opening their backdoor for business. Then again, anal sex is becoming more and more popular a funny drunk brunch topic and some betches who are over missionary are secretly admitting in the bathroom bar line that they’re curious to try it. So, in case you’re like, married, really kinky or just insanely bored, here’s a guide to having anal sex like a betch.

Who’s an Anal Candidate:

There is absolutely no orifice that should be kept more sacred than the asshole. Like, if you’ve had more than two penises up it, that’s probably too many. Anal should absofuckenlutely not be on the table until you’ve been seriously dating someone for at least year. Many a betch may choose to keep their anal virginity for marriage or even the afterlife. You should obviously also only consider doing it up the butt if you are genuinely curious about trying it, get turned on by ass grabbing in the sack, and enjoy the occasional finger up the tinker during foreplay.

When to Do It:

Planning to “do anal” like the way you “planned to lose your virginity” in high school is probably what most people end up doing but really shouldn’t be the way in. Something about your boyfriend being like “All I want for my birthday is for us to go out to a romantic dinner and then try anal” doesn’t sound that appetizing. It’s best for anal to just kind of happen, like, Omg Jake and I have joked about trying it but never actually thought we would and then one morning in the shower it kind of just you know, happened.

The Anal Starter Pack:

Fucking Cosmo would probably advise that you need to buy like anal beads and a butt plug. My gay BFF said that’s barely even a thing in his community. All you really need to do anal is someone you’re madly in love with, a hardcore lube (Astroglide is a favorite of the backdoor veterans) and a lot of privacy and patience. Also, he should def wear a condom because there’s a lot of germs in your asshole, including shit.

Anal Prepping:

Along with anal being one of those things that just happened, it should only become an option after a very long hook up session i.e. very turned on. A lot of people will say you need to start with two fingers and all this, but depending on your partner’s girth it may be a better route to start straight with the tip because then once it’s in…it’s eh, in. The best position is anything where you’re in control, so no first timer should make any attempt to join the doggy anal club on the first go.

The Actual Deed:

When the P goes into the B, it’s going to obviously fucking hurt. But if you keep your ass muscles relaxed, are fully lubed up and turned on, there’s allegedly an initial moment of intense pain when the tip goes all the way in (which is the point where most betches tap out) and then after that it’s kind of like…whatever. On that note, I'm pretty sure anyone who has had fast pounding anal action is involved in the porn industry. Expect a slow pace and a lot of “holy shit is this actually happening??.”

Joining the Anal Sisterhood:

De-briefing post rectum play is rightfully hilarious. Like you just had anal sex, L-oh-L. Losing your anal virginity is kind of weirdly romantic, or at least as romantic as your poop and lover’s cock sharing the same hole can be. It’s probably good to just put it out there that you’re going to fart really loud post anal play, much like the queef but this time it actually is coming from your asshole so yeah, it’s a fart. Yet another reason to save it for marriage. Plus, you always hear about the risk of shitting all over your partner’s penis, which sounds more like a old wives tale but if this is to happen—he’s the one who signed up for this shit, right? Right?!?!

Most betches will find that their interest in anal was all about trying something new and taboo, and after that it’s really nothing to write home about and they have no interest in doing it again. On that note, it's definitely not something to write home about. You know how the saying goes: once you back you’ll probs not want to go back.


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