The Betches Guide to the Birthday Instagram

The bday insta is a sacred part of every betch’s social media life. The days of counting your FB wall posts are long gone. These days, all that matters on your bday is how many of your besties devote an entire half an iphone screen to you. Omggg its like 5 Pm and Carly hasn’t instaed at me, she instaed on Katie’s bday at like 9 am!!

But more importantly, the birthday instagram is really just an excuse to put up flattering pics of yourself that the birthday betch just happens to be in. And of course to show the world how close your bestie group is. 


There are many types of bday instas, but the picstitch is the classic. It tells the world that you really fucking love this betch, because even though you #36 hate doing work you completed the seriously exhausting task of going through all the pics of you two (and there are a fucking LOT) and organizing the best ones into an adorbs tiny collage. And that’s before you even pick a filter. Ugh, I am such a good friend.

The picstitch needs to hit the perfect balance of posed pics where you look skinny af and candid (or probs fake candid) laughing pics, so everyone knows how fucking funny you are! At least one pic will be in a tropical location (so you’re at your tannest, fucking duh) and another will be taken in some sort of bar/club when you were blackout. Don’t be that annoying betch who posts a picstitch made of four smaller picstitches so every pic is too fucking tiny to see. Omfg Casey's pics are so small I can’t even tell whether she looked skinz on spring break.


Flipagram is a new slideshow strategy usually employed by the betch who is so obsessed with herself that she can’t bear to see herself shrunken into a smaller frame and who actually believes people are going to watch her 20 second vid instead of scrolling past after 2. This strategy is usually #123 TTH. I know you had to download another app to do that, bitch.

One Pic

The one pic bday insta is a bold move. It says, I’m too fucking cool for this lame collage shit, but my bestie is amaze and we look hot here. Pic choice is obvs important here, and should either be some artsy shot of your linked arms silhouetted against a sunset or an event like Coachella, #3 abroad, or #40 formal.

The Caption

No bday insta is complete without the perfect caption. The classic one liner with a million bland adjectives followed by some combination of the confetti, kissy face, heart, and martini emojis is always effective. Happy bday to the craziest, sexiest, most hilar, drunkest bestie around @xoxomandy!!! You just melted my stone cold heart. Liking the shit out of that.

We all know that the real goal of the bday insta is to show the world how popular you are and how much fun you have. So follow this guide betches and I promise you can use your friend’s birthdays to make yourself look hot. Remember not to fuck up the pic stitch or fear jeopardizing your friendship forever. Besties means never having to say “I'm sorry I over filtered your birthday insta.”


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