Granny Panties Are The New Hotness, Apparently

The New York Times, America’s most highly-regarded news organization, knows what’s The Youth are into: Granny panties. Thongs are out, high-waisted cotton drawers are in. Fuck, Google docs doesn’t even want to recognize “thongs” as a word, that’s how passe they are.

Thongs are Facebook; those “cheeky” underpants are instagram; granny panties are an app you haven’t even heard of yet that tells you if the guy you’re dating knows that you know that he knows you’re ovulating.

Granny panties are no. 1 on iTunes three weeks running. Who run the world? Granny panties.

“Within millennial and Generation Y consumer groups, it’s considered cool to be wearing full-bottom underwear,” said Bernadette Kissane, an apparel analyst at the market intelligence firm Euromonitor. “Thongs have had their moment.”

Apparently, the market is saturated with “sexy” underpants, and there’s just nothing out there for girls who just want a basic, plain pair of panties that they like because they’re comfortable and serve the purpose of underwear, which is to keep your poop, pee and crotch sweat from soiling your $300 jeans, and make it so that you don’t get arrested should you find yourself in a “Marilyn Monroe moment” (happens to me all the time).

Of course, that’s complete horseshit. If you want a pair of plain cotton underwear that cover your ass and burrow into your asscrack like a child who believes he can actually dig to China, you can find those anywhere. Everywhere. Target. Nordstrom. The dollar store, probably. No, what’s actually missing are plain cotton underpants for which people can overcharge for the pleasure of tricking you into thinking it’s some kind of feminist statement.

“Most lingerie is designed to appeal to a man,” said Julia Baylis co-designer of the clothing label Me and You. “For us, that’s not even a consideration. This is underwear you wear totally for you. Maybe no one will see it, or maybe you’ll put it up on Instagram to share with everyone you know.”

Their granny panties retail on their website for $25 per pair. Here is a three-pack of cotton briefs on sale at Target for $11.00 that look like the exact same thing. I guess the feminism costs extra. It must be artisanal feminism.

They do get one thing right, and it’s that men don’t give two shits what kind of underwear you’re wearing if that’s something you’re concerned about. Remember that poster that every dipshit freshman guy bought for his dorm room, the one with the two chicks kissing? They weren’t wearing lacy pearl-string thongs or whatever the fuck, they were wearing plain-ass underpants.

That’s because underwear isn’t hot, two chicks making out is hot. In their underwear, which is hot because they are that much closer to nakedness, which would be even hotter. That’s not to say that if, perhaps, on a special occasion you wanted to throw on something a little fancier, we wouldn’t appreciate the effort for the 90 seconds it remained on your body. It’s just that no guy has ever dumped a girl because he was all like “man, her panty game was weak, bro.” I am just saying.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be more traditionally sexy and wearing a thong; that doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist,” said Mayan Toledano, the other designer of Me and You. “This is a step toward embracing more variety in what’s offered.”

There you go, ladies. A purveyor of $25 department store underwear gives you permission to wear whichever underwear you please.


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