Last night was the 72nd Golden Globes, the award show that throws TV and movie people into a too small auditorium and forces them to coexist peacefully for 5 hours. In order for this to work without a Hollywood bitch fight breaking out, everyone is drunk as fuck the entire time – which is why it’s one of the best shows of award season. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosted for the third (perfect) year in a row and made dreams come true that we didn’t even know we had when they played “Would You Rather: Male Celebrity Addition.” Although they spoke far less than we would have preferred, they made up for it with their rampant feminism and jedi levels of shade throwing. Quote of the night: “Steve Carell went through two hours of makeup a day for his role in Foxcatcher. To put that in perspective, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role of human woman.” Tina Fey was not fucking around.
The chill levels started at zero when Tina and Amy made multiple unapologetic Bill Cosby jokes to a room full of horrifically uncomfortable celebrities while Lena Dunham fist pumped in the background. North Korea was this year’s joke that just wouldn’t die, and Tina and Amy basically told everyone to stop trying to make The Interview happen. A CW show won an actual award for doing something other than casting exclusively beautiful people to work for them (definitely not you, Vampire Diaries). Jeremy Renner called Jennifer Lopez’s boobs “globes” on live television, which to be fair is a pretty accurate description. The girl from 50 Shades of Gray wore a dress fresh from the 2015 Limited Too disco ball collection, and then Prince and Julianne Moore both showed up to present in the same outfit. Awkward.
Ricky Gervais wandered on stage with a glass of wine and called everyone in the audience out for being whiny bitches. Jared Leto transcended the man bun and has reached a new level of hair enlightenment: the man braid. Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin presented for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical Series (really though – the categorization at this show is fucking awful), but not before they could express their relief that men were finally getting the recognition they deserved for their roles in comedy. Mic drop.
The acceptance speeches were the usual combination of poorly executed jokes, emotional rambling, and secondhand embarrassment. All anyone wanted was to watch Quvenzhané Wallis accept an award for Annie, and we couldn’t even fucking have that. Kevin Spacey dropped an F bomb because he is above reproach at this point, and also might actually control the government with Kerry Washington (waiting for confirmation).
There were a few speeches that got very serious very fast. Matt (Boner) Bomer dedicated his award to AIDS victims, but the most heartbreaking part was the blatant confirmation that he is in fact, still married (and gay). Jeffrey Tambor dedicated his win to the transgender community and Transparent creator Jill Soloway dedicated her win to Leelah Alcorn, a transgender teen who committed suicide in December.
Julianna Margulies and Don Cheadle presented George Clooney with the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, while his beautiful genius-philanthropist-humanitarian-lawyer wife sat in the audience and continued to be flawless. This was followed by a montage of clips from George’s movies over the years AKA the story of one man’s victory over aging. No one recognized his pivotal role in Batman & Robin, an egregious oversight on the part of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
The Golden Globes are long as fuck and half of the awards are irrelevant to 90% of viewers, so here are the ones that you probably care about.
Best TV Actress (Drama) – Ruth Wilson – The Affair
Best TV Actor (Drama) – Kevin Spacey – House of Cards
Best TV Actor (Comedy/Musical) – Jeffrey Tambor – Transparent
Best TV Actress (Comedy/Musical) – Gina Rodriguez – Jane the Virgin
Best TV Series (Drama) – The Affair
Best TV Series (Comedy/Musical) – Transparent
Best Movie Actress (Comedy/Musical) – Amy Adams – Big Eyes
Best Movie Actor (Comedy/Musical) – Michael Keaton – Birdman
Best Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical) – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Supporting Movie Actress (Drama) – Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Best Supporting Movie Actor (Drama) – J.K. Simmons – Whiplash
Best Movie Actress (Drama) – Julianne Moore – Still Alice
Best Movie Actor (Drama) – Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Best Motion Picture (Drama) – Boyhood