“Glitter Butts” Is The New Butt Contouring Because We Live In A Lawless Wasteland

I can’t anymore with the fucking terrible glitter trends going around these days. Everyone involved just needs to take a step back and really look at themselves. I knew this shit would happen as soon as we as a society started celebrating adult women who are obsessed with unicorns and mermaids. Once we started telling boring nice girls with no personality that being obsessed with mythical animals could be their “thing” we were all in deep, deep trouble.

Enter booty glitter, the latest in stupid trends you read are “in” on Buzzfeed but are actually super impractical for real life. Now please allow me to introduce you to Mia Kennington, a makeup artist from the UK, who is mostly responsible for all this shit. To be fair, Mia’s stuff looks really fucking cool online. Like, girl’s Instagram is on point, but can you imagine a girl showing up to a pool party with this backside situation?

Getting sparkly at @beyondadventure !! ✨ @sophiamoreno7 @thegypsyshrine @danielwatsonphoto

A post shared by Mia Kennington (@thrillsoftomorrow) on


You basically have to stand all day because you’re going to leave a sparkle trail from your tail if you were to sit down at all. Also, there’s really no need for you to be wearing a bathing suit, becase forget getting in the water at all. I think I speak for everyone when I say I’d rather have a pool pee-er in my midst than be in the deep end while some skeezy chick’s ass glitter is floating all over the place. So maybe just plan on laying on your stomach all day? IDFK, man.

The one thing covering your ass in craft supplies has going for it is this trend is ultimately pretty body positive. You might think you need the perfect ass to pull this off, but you actually don’t. I can see this being helpful if you want to cover up some stretch marks or booty dimples. Plus, everyone will be too distracted by the stupid glitter on your ass to notice any extra junk in your trunk. Though you could always buy a pair of really cute high waisted shorts or one of those vintage looking bathing suits and accomplish the same thing without leaving a trail of shiny pink ass dust behind you. Just something to consider.

Comedian/Philosopher Demetri Martin once said “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies,” due to the fact that it gets everywhere and never goes away. In this case, some bro you’re hooking up with might actually think you have contracted a mystical form of herpes once this glitter starts grinding up your lady parts, because you know there’s no way this stuff is only sticking to your ass region. This trend might as well be called “glitz in your bitz” instead of the glitter booty. It’s like sand, only way, way worse.

Not much better is the glitz titz trend. Like, it looks really cool online, maybe, but the practicality of this is little to none. I’m all for any reason to go topless, but, once again, highly impractical.


One of many✨ &MU by me #Newyearsoutfit @bby__yan @lotteoneill Glitter by @thegypsyshrine ✨✨#thrillsoftomorrow

A post shared by Mia Kennington (@thrillsoftomorrow) on

So the takeaway of all this nonsense is do it for the Insta and the Insta only. Don’t show up to the poolside kickback expecting to impress the fuck out of your friends with your sparkly ass. They probably will take mean Snapchats of you behind your back and then ultimately be pissed you left a trail of glitter around their place. And before you even say the word “Coachella,” please tell me how this could in any way be a practical festival look. You can’t sit. You can’t sweat. You’ll get glitter on anyone who even casually bumps up against you, meaning you will make an enemy for life and lose a potential molly connection. There’s just no upside. It’s best if you leave glitter butt to the professionals, ya know?

And finally, and most importantly, quit trying to make all glitter everything happen, it’s just not going to happen.


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