The last episode of Girls was a big day for Brooklyn. As real as we claim this show is, the events of the finale were extremely improbable. It's totally unlikely that Hannah's best friend would get married and her boyfriend hit by a car and tell her he loves her (when three weeks ago he was sending accidental pictures of his dick to her)…all within a three hour span. Not to mention that Shoshy's virg went from technical to nonexistent, and Marnie's standards were completely wiped out in that very same hour.
Let's start with the surprise wedding. First of all, if someone texted me about the most important party of their lives, I would definitely not go. I mean, it's not like the invitation said it's the most important party of MY life. Unless her text included a PS. Free coke.
So the first thing Jessa does is take off her garter and throw it at her virgin cousin…believable. However there's no way that her friends would all be like, oh wow Jessa's such a free spirit, good for her, she's such an adult now that she married a stranger! They'd more likely be talking shit and taking bets on how long until her annulment. We say season 2.
Two more wedding observations: why did Ray look like he just leaped out of the Curious George made-for-TV movie, and is 'Thomas John' his like two-name, full-name or just like a first-middle-name situation? Is her new name Jessa The Tank Engine?
Shoshanna: First, congrats on the V-card Shoshy. Was that Michelle Branch you were losing it to? Why no White Houses? Whatevs, we loved how at the wedding Shosh was bugging the fuck out about her fashion faux pas and not her cousin marrying an old stranger faux pas.
A note on Ray and his weirdness. He sort of seems like the only truly self-aware character but is also extremely contradictory at the same time. He would not think Shoshanna is “raw and open,” he would think she was a freakish materialistic SATC-loving bitch. And like, why is he bitching to Hannah about the problems with HER generation, is he shadily 35 or is that just a special Brooklyn barista privilege that you get for high achievement in espresso-machine-turn-on?
Marnie: We see that Marnie is learning to loosen up due to her wearing her hair curly. This week curly hair. Next week crack with Shosh. Based on the amount of gel in your hair we're forced to wonder, are you from the block?
Hannah: Hannah takes the F train for totally fucking fucked and then gets her bag stolen. New York City has some fucked up people, but even a hobo wouldn't steal cake from a fat girl. Somehow she ends up at Coney Island. What is this Uptown Girls? We're sure Hanz wouldn't cry about the hot dogs.
All in all Girls' premiere season came full circle and served us the biggest meal we've ever eaten. Everyone gets what they want at the end: Marnie gets freedom from her overbearing nice guy boyfriend, Shosh gets a dick in her, and Jessa gets the illusion of stability. Hannah gets the boyfriend she wants but obviously is the only one still left hungry. The show started with her stuffing her face on her parents' dime and ended with her stuffing her face penniless on the beach. Let her eat cake.
Quotes of the Night
Jessa says her vows: I appreciate your adventurous spirit, your desire to learn, and your 10,000 dollar rug.
Elijah's boyfriend meets Hannah: Oh is the straw that broke the camel's back? It's more like the 13-pounds overweight hay barrel that broke the camel's back.
Adam compliments Hannah: You are pretty. And you are a good writer. And you are a good friend. All of these things are debatable at best and false at worst.