Get Your Sh*t Together - It's Virgo Season: Weekly Horoscopes August 19-23

Welcome to Virgo season—do you have your day planner ready? Virgo is a sign that is known for very much having its sh*t together, meaning this month is the perfect time to clean up the (literal) hot mess that has been your summer. Harness some of that old back-to-school energy and get your life in order for fall. And yes, buying a new fall wardrobe totally counts as “harnessing back-to-school energy.” Your bank account might hate you, but whatever. You’re welcome.


You’re finally ready to get back on the wellness train, Aries, so you’d better get caught up on the latest Diet Starts Tomorrow podcast (shameless plug). As the balls-to-the-wall Leo Season energy starts to give way to significantly more responsible Virgo, you’re finding yourself with the motivation to actually make it to that 6am yoga class, or to stay through the stretching at SoulCycle. Beyoncé thighs, here you come!


Looks like you’re the responsible one. Again. This week you may find lots of friends, coworkers, and random ass people at the bar are relying on you for very basic sh*t. Annoying, I know, but at least it goes to show that the world sees you as someone who actually has it together. If only they knew the truth…


Cuffing season starts now, Gemini, as Virgo season has you looking to stop f*cking around and just settle down already. You’re over playing the field, and ready for some lay-around-in-bed-all-day-watching-Office-reruns type of love. Aka the best type of love there is. Go out there and find it!


Virgo season has transformed you from a social caterpillar into a social butterfly this week, Cancer, so make sure to take advantage of it. No event is too far. No happy hour too stressful. For one week, you are 100% that bitch who stays out late on a Tuesday and somehow keeps the party going ’til Friday. Don’t waste this opportunity to go hard as f*ck before summer ends, and please preemptively stock up on Pedialyte for Sunday.


Hate to tell you this Leo, but your season is coming to a close. I know, I know, every season is Leo season when you’re a Leo, but it’s Virgo’s time to shine. Use this as an opportunity to chill tf out for a sec, and to relax and recharge after a whole month of non-stop limelight. Basically, use this as an excuse to book yourself a massage.


Welcome to your season, Virgo! Starting this Wednesday, everybody is going to want a piece of that Virgo glow. As you know, being popular is v fun, but it’s also v exhausting, so be sure you’re not burning the candle at both ends trying to give the masses what they want. Your fans—I mean friends—will love you no matter what.


You might want to send out a preliminary “I’m sorry” text right now, because for the next week you’re going to be that person who can’t stop talking about their dreams. Sorry, but it is how it is. Virgo season is supercharging your dream realm, and it’s going to be hard to keep all the crazy sh*t your brain is feeding you every night straight. Maybe invest in a dream journal?


What is that strange feeling, Scorpio? Is it…? Could it be…? You being opent to trying new things!?!? I thought I’d never see the day! The new season has you looking for new horizons, and for the first time in a while you’re ready to shake up the routine. Try that weird underwater kickboxing thing you saw on ClassPass. Hit up a new bar. Swipe right on someone with a f*ckton of gym selfies…actually don’t do that last one. Too risky.


Virgo season is making you want to get sh*t done in your love life, Sag, whether you’re single or not. If you are single, take a look at your standards. Are you setting the bar too low in certain places? Too high in others? Plenty of people have made an Andriod-iPhone relationship work. Just sayin’. If you’re in a relationship, now is a really good time to start working on something with your partner, whether it be a business venture, project around the house, or just some cute ass cupcakes you saw on Pinterest that will inevitably turn out terrifying when you try to make them.


You’re looking to shake things up in your love life, Capricorn, and per usual, the only person you can rely on is yourself. Try making a date outside your usual bars/restaurants, or plan a last-minute romantic vacation before you don’t have summer Fridays to keep you sane anymore. Nobody has ever regretted a last minute beach trip.


Virgo season has you ready to go deep, Aquarius, so don’t be surprised if you temporarily become that chick at the bar asking everyone what they think happens after you die. You’re just in a mood. Honor your inner philosopher this week by starting a new book, watching an interesting documentary, or just doing something for yourself that feels spiritual. It’ll help stop you from hitting a vape pen and asking everyone if they believe in the Matrix later.


You’re feeling veeery coupley this week Pisces, so be aware of getting too clingy with your partner. Sending an “I miss you!” text is cute once per day, not once per hour. Try to make plans for some quality time later in the week, so you’ll get the attention you crave without breaking into anyone’s apartment.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.