Get Ready For Retrograde: Weekly Horoscopes Oct 28-Nov 1

Get ready for some bullsh*t, readers, because this week the stars are literally out to get us. The Sun in Scorpio and Uranus in Taurus are facing off against each other and making everyone feel torn between wanting to be the life of the party and wanting to be a party of one, meaning we’re all in for one of those nights where we both never want to leave our couch again, and are literally dying from FOMO. And if that isn’t enough, Mercury goes into retrograde on Thursday, meaning communication problems, f*ck ups at work, and social media faux pas are all on the table. Motion to make Mercury in retrograde a valid reason to call out of work? The whole office is safer that way.


You’re one of the lucky ones this week, Aries. For you, the Sun in Scorpio (aka your house of financial planning) and Uranus in Taurus (aka your house of hard work) are actually working together to help you make some serious money moves. Chances taken at work could lead to big gains (read: money) in your future, so now is not the time to let any opportunity pass you by. As for Mercury in retrograde, make sure to read and re-read any professional communications send. You’d hate to have the week’s progress ruined because you accidentally send a shady Slack about your boss to your boss. Yikes.


Should you be selfless or selfish this week, Taurus? With the Sun in Scorpio (your house of partnerships) and Uranus in Taurus (your house of self-preservation), you’re torn. On the one hand, you want to give everything to be the best friend ever and make everyone happy. On the other hand, you want everyone to f*ck off immediately. It’s a tough spot to be in. Strike a balance between the two by spending your good friend energy on the people closest to you, and ignoring the ones who don’t deserve your time. With all the time you usually waste trying to make random strangers happy, you could binge-watch The Office a few hundred more times..


You officially have permission to splurge on yourself, Gemini. It’s treat yo’self week in Gemini-land, so don’t skimp on the self-care, fancy cocktails, or unnecessary Ubers. I’m not saying to go into debt over a dinner, but any indulgences you feel like you can reasonably take are all fair game. Is this how people go into credit card debt? Yes. But you’ve dealt with that before and you’re still alive to tell the tale so…


You’re not in the mood for small talk this week, Cancer. You’re looking for deep, life-changing conversations, so this is not the week to schedule any first dates or get-to-know-you drinks. This is the week to reconnect with your long-lost lover and go deep about what went wrong. This is the week to contact your long-lost bully and get closure. This is the week to eat an edible and talk about colors. Tbh, this is a pretty great week for you. But God save anyone who texts “wyd?” in hopes of getting nudes and ends up with a thesis-length text about sexual ethics in the technological age in response.


Are you a housewife, or a boss bitch? You’re torn between career and domestic concerns this week. On the one hand, you’re killing it in the boardroom. On the other hand, your bedroom is comfortable as f*ck. There’s only one solution…work from home! Sometimes people are just more productive from the comfort of their own bed. That’s just like, science. And if WFH isn’t an option for you, calling in sick and answering a few emails is always a great plan B.


You’re looking to expand your mind and search for higher truths this week, Virgo, and that can only mean one thing. It’s time to start a new true crime docuseries. Did Amanda Knox do it? Is Michelle Carter really guilty? What the f*ck happened to JonBenét Ramsey? You’re in the mood for a good mystery this week and luckily America’s true crime obsession is here to deliver. Start the series now and by the time Mercury goes into retrograde on Thursday, you’ll be a full-fledged conspiracy theorist. Which is honestly kind of fitting, imho.


Look at you, Miss Popular! Other people are finding you magnetic as f*ck this week, which is obviously very fun but also low-key exhausting. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Save some of your precious resources by reminding yourself you don’t have to say yes to every random human that wants to hang out with you. It’s just not possible. Your presence is a present, and do you typically go around giving presents to random strangers like some kind of millennial Santa Claus? I think not.


How’s your season going so far, Scorpio? This week you’re torn between wanting to invest in a partnership, and wanting to go it alone. You can’t decide if you want your dating app profile to say you’re looking for something “casual,” or if you want to get engaged to the next person you see on the street. It’s confusing. Instead of trying to figure out who your soulmate is by Friday, focus on relationships you know you want to see expand with friends, coworkers, or family members. And if any of your potential life partners try to initiate a “what are we?” conversation, tell them you’re putting all romantic decions on hold until Mercury is out of retrograde. They’ll totally understand.


Beware! Coworker drama ahead! This week the stars are working against you to stir up drama in your workplace, and it’s your job to stay out of the fray. Whether it be a group project gone awry or a harmless Slack taken the wrong way, Mercury, Uranus, and the Scorpio Sun are all working together to f*ck with your paycheck. I don’t say that to scare you, but it’s best to be prepared. Basically what I’m saying is, if you preemptively call out sick for the rest of the week the universe will understand.


And now for the most terrifying words a Capricorn can ever hear: it’s time to step into the spotlight. Yep. That’s right. This is the week for you to step up to the plate and take charge. Whether it be by leading a group at work, or by initiating some tough conversations with friends, you’re going to dust off your leadership skills this week. Sure “teamwork” isn’t usually your thing, but maybe you’d like it better if the person leading the team was someone you trusted, aka yourself.


You know that one annoying counselor from camp who took it upon themselves to motivate everyone and took the games too seriously? Yeah, this week, that’s you. The whole world is in need of a little extra motivation this week, and you’re going to have to be the one to give it to them. No, you’re not a natural born cheerleader, but you know just what to say to keep morale high. Basically, you’re Normani, and you’re gonna have to be everyone’s motivation. But don’t try busting out her dance moves just yet. You’re not quite there.


No time for the bullsh*t this week, Pisces! The stars have you feeling extra candid, meaning you’re not holding anything back. Like a Real Housewife in the confessional on her third champagne, you don’t give a f*ck what anybody thinks. You’re in the mood to be the most unapologetic version of yourself this week, and while some fair weather friends might not like it, the real ones will still have your back. And the realest ones will write down all the crazy sh*t you say and tell it to your kids when they get older.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.