Get Comfortable: Weekend Horoscopes April 17-19

Time is a social construct! What day is it? Is anyone else’s hair and skin looking FRESH thanks to lack of pollution, heating tools, or makeup? Huh, weird. Maybe waking up, not washing my face, and hanging out in loungewear all day was the answer all along.

Speaking of not doing anything, I wonder what the stars want us to do this weekend? Should we take a luxurious trip to our living rooms? Sleep in the guest room to mix things up? The excitement of quarantine continues.


The moon in Pisces is making you feel super introspective and meditative, so get your OM and zen on (along with your cozy pants) and take time to relax, think, and be grateful for what you do have. Wake up late on Saturday and cook yourself something decadent (pancakes or French toast, please) before FaceTiming your besties for a virtual brunch.


You’re craving social interaction this weekend, Taurus. Since that’s kind of, like, not allowed these days, head out to pick up food at a local restaurant on Friday night so you can see other human beings (from six feet away, obviously). Once you’re home, try eating outside so you can experience the sun for the first time all week. Saturday and Sunday should be set aside for phone or Zoom calls to friends you haven’t talked to in weeks so you can bitch about missing hoe season together.


Provided you’re still employed, this weekend is a great time to take a pulse on your career, Gemini. After your last Zoom meeting on Friday, sit down and make a pros and cons list for your job. If it’s all good, think about approaching your boss for a more visible position on a new project. Maybe stepping up could result in a raise when people/companies have more money? After all your professional ideas, reserve Saturday and Sunday for binging something absolutely useless. We recommend Listen To Your Heart, which is absolute trash.


You’re itching to travel, Cancer. Since grabbing a flight isn’t really in the cards atm, we recommend planning an amazing trip for 2021, then doing all the research so you’re good to go when this whole quarantine thing is over. Make an itinerary, walking maps, and budget plan. Then, fire up the Duolingo app you haven’t used in six months and force yourself to pick back up the Spanish/French/Mandarin you’d started. Donde esta la biblioteca, indeed.


Let’s talk about sex, Leo. Being trapped inside with your S.O. presents a great (and rare) opportunity to get really weird, take out all your aggression on your S.O. via sex, and talk about all the things you want to do to each other (sexually) without having it feel out of place. Plan something fun for Friday night to take your mind off of the state of, well, the world. By Saturday you may find you’re a little irritable, so we suggest coloring or drawing something soothing, like a unicorn.


Mercury, Venus, and Mars have teamed up to give you some pointers on communication this weekend, Virgo. It’s a great time to tackle those hard discussions you’ve been putting off with your besties, partner, and/or parents. I mean, the timing is perfect, cause it isn’t like anyone can run away, move out, or not listen right now. We’re all trapped!


You’re going to be super emotional all weekend, Libra, so buckle up. You may be feeling extremely anxious about the state of the world, which is v understandable. Use Saturday and Sunday to keep the TV off, get away from social media, and read a book out in a field somewhere. Spending time outdoors will help clear your head and reading will remind you why you appreciate Netflix so much.


Pisces and Neptune have joined forces to make you feel a lot of feelings, Scorpio. I mean, on a good day you’re kind of a psycho, so tell anyone in your path (i.e. quarantined with you) to watch out this weekend. The good news is that if you distract yourself with creative activities, you’ll be able to slightly offset the emotional rollercoaster. Sketch the world outside your window, write a strange poem about the items in your pantry, or knit your cat a sweater to soften the crazy.


This weekend is a great opportunity to clean your f*cking house or apartment, Sagittarius. Like, since you’re trapped inside anyway, use Saturday to finally clean out your closet (no, you aren’t ever going to fit into those jeans again, k?), donate those knickknacks (you really don’t need six snow globes), and, for the love of God, organize your pantry. After all that hard work, go ahead and sleep in on Sunday before ordering yourself a dozen doughnuts. No one has to know.


Call your mom, Capricorn. The planets are aligned for communication and family this weekend, so it’s prime time to listen to your mom drone on about Aunt Donna and what things she’s planting this season and how your father is still trying to adjust to being retired. After all that, use Sunday to hunt down an online workshop or activity that’ll actually do some good, like learning another language or understanding epidemiology.


Guard your wallet this weekend, Aquarius. I know that stimulus money is begging to be spent, but maybe hang on to it for a bit until this whole economic atrocity passes (looking at December). Plus, do you really need the dress/shoes/bag for virtual brunch from inside your apartment? Beware of overindulgence in general this weekend. Yah, chugging all the crappy liquor you were saving for a special occasion seems like a funny idea, but I can promise that it won’t end well.


Push all those responsibilities aside, Pisces. Yes, you need to clean the bathrooms and organize your coffee table junk drawer and answer your work emails, but don’t do it this weekend. Pick up an online yoga class so you can feel crunchy and at peace with the current world situation. Or, just rewatch Love Is Blind and text your friends about how Mark is a dope and Jessica is literally the worst.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson