From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]epeoplecompany.com
Subject: Gentle Reminder About Appropriate Company Internet Usage, Which Does Not Include Creating an Audition Reel for the Bachelor
As you know, we discussed the upcoming internet audit at last month’s all-staff meeting. Last quarter, The People Company failed to meet a single benchmark goal for the 12th quarter in a row. As a team, our fearless leaders compiled a list of actionable steps to ensure this upcoming quarter is a great one—or at the very least, removes us from some highly undesirable Business Insider lists. The first step was our recent internet audit, which, once again, you were all informed about in the mandatory company-wide Internet Use Check-in meeting. It took place both in-person and over Zoom, and we ordered in from that ramen place that you all seemed to enjoy during the cohesiveness seminar.
For the sake of transparency, management explained that the audit’s goal was two-fold. Firstly, they wanted to drill down and evaluate internet usage concerning productivity — perhaps even trimming the fat on projects that take up unnecessary time and resources. The secondary goal was to give you, our outstanding, all-star staff members, a chance to reevaluate how you’re spending time during the workday. Once again, this audit should have been very much on your radar this past month.
As we dive into the audit’s findings, we will simultaneously review The People Company’s best practices for internet use. These guidelines are meant to ensure productive and safe internet use during working hours — they’re intended to help you be your best self, creating synergy in an environment that thrives off of teamwork. That being said, we will not be disclosing personal details about specific employees. Instead, we will discuss particular findings concerning our best practices — the same best practices that are printed on your mouse pads, which the team leaders so kindly had custom-made for last year’s holiday gift.
Spending company time on non-business activities is not an acceptable use of the internet. We’re all human, and we all have lives outside of work. The People Company understands and gives its employees generous leeway to check in on the occasional non-work-related activity using the company network. However, this does not include hosting virtual speed dating events for fans of Veronica Mars during business hours. Nor does it involve watching 17 hours of YouTube videos detailing the life and death of Princess Diana over two weeks.
The internet may not be used for personal profit during working hours. The People Company prides itself on paying better than more than 37% of its industry competitors. There is simply no reason to seek out additional means of income using the company’s network. To clarify, this means that actively managing an online store called “The Vaped Crusader” during business hours is unacceptable. Additionally, actively applying for new jobs while at work will not be tolerated moving forward — and to whom it may concern when using the phrase “please free me from this hellscape,” the word “hellscape” is not two separate words.
Network users are not permitted to make purchases unrelated to work. It is not acceptable to purchase things for personal use during working hours, including jacuzzis. Websites such as “ReadyJetGo.org” or “TheG-Spa.net” are not to be used on company time and have now been blocked.
Representing The People Company online without explicit permission to do so is not allowed. Filming an entire audition reel for The Bachelor while wearing your company shirt, for example, does not align with our core values. On a very related note, “Hottest Ass in Finance” never has been, nor will it ever be, an actual title within The People Company — we’ll touch more on this during our sexual harassment seminar next week. Additionally, promising free products to women on Twitter in exchange for photographs of their feet is also very much against company policy.
*Key Takeaway*: The internet guidelines are meant to help each staff member be a team player, using their time at work for work-related activities. I’m honestly so freaking exhausted at this point, though I know none of you even read these emails. Do you even understand how depressing it is to know that everyone in the office rolls their eyes when I hit send? That most of my day is spent actively making you dislike me? It sucks. I like Veronica Mars too, but did any of you even bother to ask? No. You only worry about yourselves. At this rate, we’ll be bankrupt in the next two years anyway, so I hope you all have a backup plan. Figure it out on company time. Who cares.
Image: Liliya Rodnikova /Stocksy.com