This week we learned some important things like that Jorah is the fucking worst, Daario looks really good in candlelight (or dragon-fire-breath-light, whatever), and that everyone in Westeros has daddy issues.
After the cliffhanger last week, we find out that Grey Worm is injured but alive and Ser Barristan is super dead. This is a minor death in the grand scheme of tragedy this show has thrown at us, but nonetheless sad because Ser Barristan was like a nice old grandpa who would probably carry taffy around in his pockets but could also wreck shit with a sword. Whatever grief you may have felt was assuaged by the immediate appearance of Daario, who is starting to have less of a speaking role and more of a brooding in the background one. Both require far too much clothing, in my humble opinion.
Anyway, Khaleesi appeared to have really liked taffy because she is PISSED about Ser Barristan. The whiny Hizdahr is there making all these promises about finding the culprits, but Daenerys is like, “Actually, I have a better idea. I’m going to start feeding people to my fucking dragons.” She has Daario and the Unsullied round up the leaders of each of Mereen’s great families and bring them to her.
Hizdahr: But Khaleesi, I am a leader of a great family
Khaleesi: … Did I stutter?
So Dany gathers the most powerful men in Mereen, places them in front of her dragons and then proceeds to make a speech about how good mothers may discipline their children but they never give up on them. Mother’s Day lessons from your friendly neighborhood dragon queen. The intimidation factor isn’t quite high enough yet, so she throws one of the leaders to the dragons. They light him on fire and then eat him in front of his friends, and Daenerys is like “cool, this has been great, same time same place tomorrow.”
Missandei has been watching over an unconscious Grey Worm for the past three days, who makes a miraculous recovery from his stab wound to the torso despite any evidence of medical intervention. Grey Worm wakes up from his coma the way I wake up every Sunday morning: violently and in an instant state of shame. However his shame doesn’t stem from drinking 8 whiskey sours the night before or even almost dying in battle. Grey Worm is ashamed because he experienced a human emotion, which like same TBH.
In his broken Tarzan English, despite the fact that they both speak fluent and perfect Valyrian, Grey Worm tells Missandei that he was afraid because he thought he would die and never see her again. They make out and it’s super cute until you remember that Grey Worm is neutered, and then it’s just kind of uncomfortable.
Later, Daenerys asks Missandei for some advice on what to do about these pesky rebellions in her city. Ser Barristan advised mercy and Daario just wants to kill all the former masters and Khaleesi is torn between the two. Missandei reminds her that she’s the fucking mother of dragons, and maybe she doesn’t need to be listening to men at all. Khaleesi is like “fuck, you’re totally right, I am a boss ass bitch.”
She goes to see Hizdahr in his cell, and he promptly assumes he’s about to get fed to a dragon. In a strange turn of events, Khaleesi admits that she was wrong and he was right and that she will allow the fighting pits to reopen to free men only. Then she says that, in order to improve relations between herself and the Mereneese, she will marry a leader of a powerful family and that it will be him.
Khaleesi: Oh look, you’re already on your knees. Convenient.
Hizdahr: This went so much better than I could have anticipated.
THE JON SNOW SHOW
Sam is in the library reading a note about Khaleesi aloud to Maester Aemon, who I forgot was a secret Targaryen until this moment. Who is sending updates from Mereen all the way to the Wall? I have no fucking idea, maybe Drogon.
Jon shows up to ask the Maester some advice, and begins his undoubtedly long-winded explanation with “half the men will hate me.” Aemon has better things to do (like dying) than listen to Jon Snow whine, and promptly tells him to grow a pair and just fucking do it before Jon can actually tell him what his plans are.
Maester Aemon: Kill the boy, Jon Snow.
Jon: …like actually? Because honestly I’m down for anything at this point.
Apparently the Stark children were trained to recognize metaphors because Jon got the message, which was to stop being a pussy and do what needs to be done. Newly inspired, he goes to see Tormund, who was Mance’s second-in-command and is still imprisoned at the Wall. Jon wants to end the Wildling vs. Night’s Watch war in favor of an everyone vs. White Walkers situation instead. He offers to free Tormund and get the wildlings some land south of the Wall as long as they fight with him when the Walkers show up. After a couple rounds of name calling and general insults Tormund agrees on the condition that they get ships to round up the wildlings and that Jon comes with him to do it.
Not surprisingly, the plan to team up with the Wildlings is not received well by the Night’s Watch. While Jon stands up front and presents this idea to a room full of angry men, Stannis stands in the back and mutters grammar corrections under his breath, in case you didn’t dislike him enough already.
Jon is trying to convince everyone that while peace with the wildlings will be tough, it would be far preferable to White Walker Wildlings who will try to kill them anyway because in case everyone fucking forgot WINTER IS COMING. No one is impressed by this logic.
Night’s Watch: but the wildings are mean
Night’s Watch: they killed our friends
Night’s Watch: they’re tacky and we hate them
Jon: all valid points but ZOMBIES, guys. ZOMBIES.
Back in the library, Gilly is asking Sam important questions like “is this every book in the world?” She apologizes for being an idiot and he’s like “no you don’t understand this is the only advantage I will ever have over anyone.” Stannis shows up to talk to Sam about how he killed the White Walker, and Sam explains that it was actually sheer luck and some dragon glass that did it. Apparently dragon glass comes from Dragon Stone, Stannis’ home. What a crazy coincidence, right?? He tells Sam to keep studying up on ways to beat the Walkers, so it’s nice to know that people other than Jon Snow are moderately concerned about the zombie army marching their way.
Outside, Stannis rounds up the troops to march on Winterfell.
Davos: You sure you don’t want to leave your wife and daughter here at the wall where it’s safe?
Stannis: Literally 90% of these men are convicted rapists.
Stannis lends Jon the ships he needs to help the Wildings, and tells him he better know what the fuck he’s doing. Then he rides off towards Winterfell with Melisandre at his side, who leaves Jon with one last aggressive eye fuck for posterity’s sake.
Brodrick are at an inn near Winterfell doing their usual thing: Brienne looking broodingly into the distance while she thinks about Sansa and Podrick asking her to please stop doing that.
A man comes in to bring them water, and Brienne asks him to pass on a message to Sansa. He’s instantly wary because non-Northerners aren’t supposed to know that she’s back at Winterfell. Brienne recognizes his suspicion and decides to go with her not at all tired “I swore an oath,” speech. It doesn’t go over well, for the millionth time.
Northerner: Who’d you swear your oath to?
Brienne: Her mother, who I was also sworn to protect.
Northerner: Her dead mother? Your Yelp reviews must be fantastic.
In the castle, Ramsey and his girlfriend Miranda are having some incredibly frightening sociopath sex. She’s super jealous about Sansa, but I had a hard time focusing on anything she said because I was too enthralled by her hip bones, which look like they could cut fucking stone. Like seriously, feed your wench, Ramsey. She asks him if he thinks Sansa is pretty, and his actual response is “of course I do, I’m not blind.” No matter the time period or fictional universe, fuck boys are forever.
Meanwhile, Sansa is hanging out in her new Kanye overhauled wardrobe, the chosen uniform of orphaned girls looking to steal back their kingdoms and avenge their families. Her maid reminds her that she has friends at Winterfell, and to just light a candle if she’s ever in trouble. This is a much friendlier encounter then the next one, which is between her and Miranda and ripped straight out of Mean Girls.
Miranda: I love your dress, where’d you get it?
Sansa: My mom taught me how to make it.
Miranda: Vintage. Love it.
You would think after four seasons of people trying to kill her, Sansa would have developed some better self-preservation instincts, and yet she lets Miranda lead her down a dark tunnel full of probably rabid dogs to show her a “surprise.” The surprise turns out to be Theon, who apparently sleeps in the kennels and is immune to hypothermia. Sansa is not happy to see him, probably because he ordered to have her two little brothers lit on fire. The North fucking remembers, Theon.
Later that night at the most painful family dinner known to man, Ramsey makes a big show of flaunting Theon/Reek in front of Sansa and then making him apologize to her. It is uncomfortable for everyone in attendance, including the viewers.
Sansa: I am zero percent impressed by your ability to mentally destroy a human being.
Ramsey: Hm maybe you aren’t as hot as I thought you were.
After the apology Ramsey is like “WAIT this half-human that betrayed your family is technically the nearest thing you have left to living kin, he should be the one who gives you away at our wedding,” which killed any lingering hope that Ramsey might change his psychopathic ways for love.
At this point, because dinner wasn’t tense enough, Roose drops a bomb. Turns out his wife is pregnant, and the super reliable medicine of the day has already determined that it’s a boy. Ramsey is furious, seeing as how his birth status is still a bit of a sore subject.
He confronts his dad about it, who decides that this is the perfect time to tell Ramsey the story of his inception. It’s a pretty typical tale of romance: Roose raped his mother after murdering her husband and then bailed. When she showed up a year later with a baby he almost had them both killed, but then didn’t because “you’re my son.” Take a lesson, Reverend Camden, this is how you bond with your children.
Roose also reveals that he knows Stannis is marching on Winterfell. Ramsey is clearly still a little sensitive about the impending non-bastard son and learning that he was a product of rape, so Papa Bolton reels him in with a pep talk about how the North is theirs and together they can beat Stannis as father and son. Sounds like some standard daddy issue manipulation that definitely won’t result in Roose betraying Ramsey in the end.
JORAH AND TYRION
After an undetermined, but undoubtedly long period of silence, Tyrion tries to get Jorah to warm up to him. Like anyone who’s ever had to socialize with shitty people before, Tyrion suggests they drink some wine in order to facilitate an uncomfortable friendship. Jorah says “no wine,” which solidifies his status as the absolute fucking worst.
Jorah (very soberly) sails them through Valyria, which is super mystic looking with it’s crumbling cityscape and smoky water. Both of them start waxing nostalgic about the old dynasty and reciting epic poetry to each other, so maybe the wine wasn’t necessary after all. The mood is set by a dragon (Drogon??) flying overhead, and you can actually see Tyrion begin to question everything he’s ever known. It’s also probably the first time that he realizes people weren’t fucking around when they talked about Khaleesi.
Before things can get any more romantic, the ambiance is destroyed by some stone men who try to kill them. These people are what happens when Greyscale goes untreated, and it’s really fucking scary. Jorah fights them off and saves Tyrion after he sinks to the bottom of the river, but loses their boat in the process. Tyrion wakes up on the beach that Jorah dragged them to.
Greyscale is incredibly contagious and can be transmitted through a single touch, but luckily neither of them were infected. WAIT JUST KIDDING, JORAH FUCKING WAS AND HE LIED ABOUT IT. He is literally the guy in a zombie movie who doesn’t tell anyone he’s been bitten until they’re locked in an enclosed area. Between this and the wine-embargo, he’s starting to look worse than Joffrey.
Episodes since Daario’s butt: Four. Morale is low.
MVB: Maester Aemon.
Bitches about being cold, a Khaleesi fan before it was cool, and hands out advice without actually listening to or understanding the situation.