Last night’s Game of Thrones was just as fucked as you would come to expect from a show that murders every character you’ve ever loved. If you’re short on time or just don’t feel like reading two pages worth of jokes about it, I’ll make things easy for you: everyone is fucking dead. All of them. Thanks for checking in, see you next season.
STONE COLD STANNIS
Tensions are high in the camp that still smells like charbroiled twelve year old. Melisandre watches some ice melt and runs to brag to Stannis that the Lord of Light has blessed their mission. Like yeah, the weather is warming up, and it’s definitely because you sacrificed your daughter to a fake magic God and not because it’s the end of fucking winter and seasons do in fact change.
In a matter of five minutes, Stannis gets three pieces of terrible news, all of which he receives without really changing his facial expression. He either has the best Botox in Westeros or is literally lacking a heart, jury’s still out.
Horrible thing 1: Half his army is gone, possibly because morale was low and also they barbecued a little girl the day before and that’s the kind of smell that lingers.
Solider: uh, sir, everyone kind of bailed
Stannis: seems about right tbh
Horrible thing 2: his wife killed herself. In an episode where pedophiles and batshit girlfriends died violently, this hardly ranks. The saddest part was that Davos wasn’t there to do a celebratory dance over her dead body. She also hung herself, which might be the most peaceful death to ever occur in Westeros.
Horrible thing 3: Melisandre ditches him. She’s smart enough to realize that convincing a man to burn his daughter alive for literally zero reason will probably have shitty consequences, because cultish witches with a prediction for unnecessary murder can be logical when they need to be.
Stannis reacting to the worst day of his life: conceal don’t feel.
He’s the definition of gruff Baby Boomer Vietnam dad. He might actually be Red Forman from That 70’s Show, but angrier. He hears all this terrible news and is like “alright, let’s fucking March to Winterfell then.” Shockingly enough, it doesn’t go over well for him.
Ramsey’s army goes out to meet Stannis’ probably because he was running out of things to psychotically murder inside the castle. Seriously, that kid has never looked happier than when he was stabbing people through the spine on the battlefield. Gotta cherish the little things, you know?
Sansa uses this fleeting moment of freedom to finally get to the tower with her candle. Unfortunately, her daring act of rebellion is completely useless because for the first time in 2 weeks Brienne isn’t staring broodingly at the tower from ten miles away. Podrick had informed her that Stannis, the guy who shadow murdered Renly, was marching nearby, momentarily distracting her from Sansa Watch 2k15.
Luckily we didn’t have to sit through a twenty minute fight scene to find out what everyone already knew: Stannis wasn’t going to win. Spoiler alert: the guy who lights his daughter on fire in the hope that it will give him the upper hand in the battle for a position that he doesn’t legally deserve will usually not come out on top.
Flash to the battle field where Stannis is injured laying amongst a bunch of dead soldiers, which is when Brienne comes across him. She begins reciting the speech that she’s probably been rehearsing for upwards of three years now about Renly being the one true king, blah blah, I swore to protect him, blah blah, didn’t really work out for either of us. The usual. The gist: Stannis is about to die.
Brienne: Drawn out speech ending in death sentence
Possibly the most decent thing he’s done since that time he promised not to burn his daughter alive (#tbt), Stannis accepts death gracefully. You can almost hear Davos weeping in the distance.
Back at the castle, Sansa is caught trying to escape by Ramsey’s crazy girlfriend Myranda. Their love must be based on a shared appreciation for creepy, violent speeches, which I’m sure is a solid foundation for a relationship. Myranda has an arrow aimed at Sansa while she casually discusses the ways in which Ramsey will rape and impregnate her before he tortures her to death, and it’s unsettling enough to inspire Theon to not be a giant piece of shit. He straight up throws her off the rampart of the castle. I cheered, because this show has desensitized death in such a way that this is a normal reaction.
Right after his girlfriend gets humpty dumpty’d, Ramsey rides in fresh from his victory. Sansa and Theon both recognize that he might be a little angry and don’t really feel like having any appendages chopped off, so they escape. And by escape I mean they jump 50 feet down to probably ice hard frozen snow and presumably live. Sure.
ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAR FACES
Cut to Braavos, where Meren Trant is beating the shit out of his child prostitutes. He is intrigued by one that doesn’t whimper when she receives what looks like life ending punches to the stomach, and plot twist IT’S ARYA.
In a sequence of events that would make Ramsey proud, she mutilates and murders Trant, but not before she makes sure he knows who did it. I didn’t cheer during this one because it’s hard to watch some be repeatedly stabbed in the eyes, even if they’re a child molester.
Jaqen and the unnamed girl are surprisingly not chill about Arya’s little murder spree. Apparently the many faced God does not approve of killing people for selfish reasons, but is fine with assisted suicide and cutting off their faces. The religions in this show are questionable at best, and we haven’t even gotten to the sparrows yet.
It looks like Jaqen is about to poison Arya as punishment, but he actually ends up drinking it himself. He dies and Arya reacts more emotionally than when any of her family members were killed. But it turns out that it wasn’t Jaqen who died. Arya pulls a bunch of faces off the dead body until she gets to the last one: her own. She is understandably confused, because last time she checked she still had her face, and then she goes blind. She just can’t win.
SO FUCKING DORNE WITH THIS SHIT
Myrcella, Trystane, and third wheel of the year Jaime are setting sail for Westeros. The sand snakes came to say goodbye, which totally makes sense because they weren’t set on murdering all of them like two episodes ago. Ellaria plants an awkwardly long, not exactly platonic kiss on Myrcella, and spoiler alert, it didn’t end well for her.
Bronn is having an equally uncomfortable, less murdery goodbye with his sand snake. She legit says that he “wants a good girl but needs a bad pussy,” because she is actually Rihanna. Get this girl on Tinder.
On the ship, Jaime and Myrcella are having a nice father/daughter/uncle/niece chat about love and just how fortunate she is to be arranged to marry someone that she happens to actually like.
Myrcella: Do you think my mother who hates literally everyone will like Trystane?
Jaime: I mean she probably won’t murder him?
The talk is going so well that Jaime is like “ah yes, this seems like the perfect time to inform you that I am your dad.” Everyone knows the best time to deliver earth shattering news about incest is right before you’re about to be trapped on a boat together for an undetermined amount of time.
Unexpectedly, Myrcella is surprisingly chill about the whole thing. She tells Jaime she’s known for a while, because even in an age before punnet squares or actual science it’s pretty fucking obvious that none of those kids are remotely Baratheon. There is a significant period of time where I was 80% sure they were about to make out, but instead Myrcella fucking DIES. In addition to being weird and inappropriate, turns out Ellaria’s kiss was also poisoned. I would say this is the most upsetting death of the episode, but we all know that’s a bold faced lie.
Squad goals: the mereen crew. Jorah, Tyrion and Dario are sitting around discussing that pesky mutinous riot they had just escaped. Tyrion, forever addressing what everyone else refuses to recognize, tells both of them that they aren’t going to end up with Daenerys.
Tyrion: Neither of you are worthy and also Jorah she’s a fucking teenager
Jorah: I can’t hear you
Grey Worm walks in with Missandei and reminded me why I like him so much by being very upset at the sight of Jorah. Everyone decides that it’s time to go track down Daenerys, who majestically escaped near death by hopping on Drogon’s back and flying away last week. Jorah still gets a boner thinking about it. Tyrion wants to join the excursion, but both Jorah and Dario think it’s a bad idea.
Dario: Literally all you can do is drink and tell jokes (Tyrion Lannister: spirit animal)
Tyrion: Honestly, I’m feeling so attacked right now
While Jorah doesn’t want Tyrion to come because he hates anything fun or enjoyable, Dario makes the very valid point that someone needs to run Mereen in Khaleesi’s absence. He leaves Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm in charge, and none of them seem even remotely psyched about it.
Later, while contemplating his new job and the supreme lack of wine in this episode, Tyrion is surprised by the return of Varys, the sneakiest human egg this side of the narrow sea. They have some playful banter and don’t really address how Varys made it inside the palace of a woman who openly despises him without having getting murdered but it’s fine,
Tyrion: I have no idea how to govern this war torn city and its sneaky murderous politics
Varys: Um, this this is literally what you do
Varys basically gives Tyrion a pep talk about how, if anyone can keep Mereen going while Daenerys is off joy riding through the skies, it’s him.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DROGON
Somewhere probably pretty far away, Daenerys is nagging Drogon about going home. He reacts like a teenager being woken up for school, further cementing his status as betchiest dragon ever.
Khaleesi: We have to go home now, Drogon
Drogon: Ugh mom 5 more minutes
She’s also talking to him and asking open ended questions as if he’s going to respond. Like, I don’t know how you expect him to tell you how far away he took you, he’s a fucking dragon. Their completely one sided conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the Dothraki, who ominously ride in circles around Khaleesi for five minutes.
THE ULTIMATE WALK OF SHAME
Cersei finally snaps and confesses to the high sparrow. While she admits that she did sleep with Lancel, she adamantly denies the whole lifelong incestuous relationship with her twin brother thing. A girls gotta have a few secrets.
The high sparrow says that she can return to the Red Keep after she atones for her sins. If this sounds ominous to you, it’s because it fucking is. Cersei doesn’t get off with a few Hail Marys and a promise to never do it again. The sparrows take penance seriously.
Cersei is stripped, sheared of her Lannister locks, and forced to walk naked through all of King’s Landing while the scary nun/septon walks behind her yelling “SHAME.” This is helpful, because otherwise no one would know that this a shameful punishment and not just Lena Heady showing off her rocking bod. Like I recognize that this was supposed to be a completely mortifying and dehumanizing moment, but it was hard to feel that way at first because she looks so good naked. A diet consisting solely of wine and spite will do wonders for your figure.
Obviously Cersei has done some fucked up stuff, but this punishment was still hard to watch. Her naked walk lasts about five minutes, and consists of a lot of slurs and literal shit being thrown at her. By the time she makes it to the castle she is open mouthed sobbing, covered in blood and various forms of human excrement. None of the assholes of the small council even bother with trying to comfort her except for creepy Maester Qyburn. The guy who’s been manufacturing zombies in his spare time is the most humane of them all, who would have guessed. Speaking of, it looks like he’s finally succeeded in creating his own Frankenstein monster and then making him a member of the King’s Guard because giving a zombie armor and a giant fucking sword isn’t a bad idea at all. 100% will end terribly.
CASTLE FUCK EVERYTHING
Jon and Sam are having one of their pow wows where Jon laments every decision he’s ever made and Sam comforts him while dreaming of KFC.
Jon: How does it feel to be friends with the most hated man at Castle Black?
Sam: So you’re just going to steal my title like that? The fuck?
Sam wants to leave to study to become a Maester, which is actually the best idea he’s had in about 5 years. Jon isn’t happy about it, but lets him go. They toast to his inevitable return which should have been the first sign that everything was about to go straight to hell.
Later, Jon is outside with Davos when Melisandre arrives alone. They instantly recognize that this is probably a bad sign. To her credit, Melisandre at least has the decency to look upset, which is more than anyone expected. She doesn’t even sexually harass Jon, so you know she’s sincere.
That night Olly comes running to Jon with some bullshit story about his Uncle Benjen. Jon hasn’t watched Olly ominously brood in dark corners for the last two episodes, so he was caught off guard by what went down next. What, you may be asking, happened next? Oh, just come casual mutinous murder.
If you didn’t audibly scream when Allister stabbed Jon, I don’t even know what to say to you. It must be nice not feeling pesky things like emotion. Like I get that they were upset about the whole wildling situation, but a long painful death composed of multiple stab wounds seemed like a but fucking much for the “honorable” men of the Night’s Watch. The internet thinks that Jon will get brought back to life next season, but he looked pretty fucking dead to me.
Episodes since Dario’s butt
Nine, but he’s alive so we should probably take what we can get.
MVB: I don’t even know.
Let’s go with David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, for managing to repeatedly string me along for 10 weeks and then ruin my life for the past FIVE YEARS. See you fuckers next spring.