The Five Types of Internet Commenters

It takes a special kind of person to throw shade over the internet at someone they’ll never meet IRL. I guess also a special kind of person to read it but whatever, I got bored during Nebraska. So after extensive research lots of procrastination and pretending to do work, we bring to you the 5 Types of Internet Commenters.

The Grammar Nazi

We all know this person. They spend hours scouring posts on the internet, hoping one day you’ll slip up and use the wrong form of “you’re” which for them is as exciting as a new season of House of Cards is for the rest of the population. God forbid you put a comma where it doesn’t belong; the Grammar Nazi will exclaim your entire article is invalid and start a petition to have you permanently banned from the internet. This applies to other commenters as well. The Grammar Nazi will also text “My iPhone is losing it’s charge” and not notice.

The One Who’s Always Offended

Did you write an article called “Things Guys Wish Girls Knew About Dating”? Well then you’re sexist for supporting the patriarchy by only including the male perspective and writing your piece from the voice of the male gaze, or something bullshit like that. Was that article actually the follow-up article to “Things Girls Wish Guys Knew About Dating?” You’re still sexist, only this time you’re sexist against men. You shared a playlist and didn’t include my favorite song on it? Offensive. You instagrammed a pic of the burger you had for lunch? How dare you, I’m a vegetarian. If this person spent half the energy it takes to get offended and applied it like anywhere else, they probably would’ve invented Facebook but when Facebook came out they were too busy being offended because they didn’t have a Harvard email address.

The Peanut Gallery

Basically the online equivalent of the rando in the dressing room who blurts out that the shirt you have on isn’t flattering even though you did not fucking ask and they don’t even sell it in her size anyway because like we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. Online she would make comments like “This list about shit white girls like is totally not accurate because #13 is ‘Starbucks Venti Pumpkin Spice Lattes’ and I’m a white girl but I don't drink pumpkin spice lattes or sizes bigger than grande so this is ALL WRONG.” She will throw in shit like, “Plus it’s poorly written and there’s no clear thesis” even though she’s reading a list-icle and also failed English 101. She’ll then call you a terrible writer and person but will follow your shit more closely than a Belieber keeps tabs on Justin.

The Satire Apologist

A Philosophy major with posters of Bob Marley and Dazed and Confused on his dorm-room wall who will comment, “Chill guys, obviously this was written as a metaphorical satire,” on Pat Garofalo’s tweet about the NBA. Obv some ignorant-sounding shit on the internet is actually satire but unfortunately some people out there are like serious racists, so don’t lump us all together.

The Privilege Police

If you are white/male/straight/cisgender/able-bodied/skinny/not living on welfare/human/etc. you have privilege which means you just don’t get it. Basically unless you’re a Native American Black Hispanic Asian transgendered lesbian woman living in a wheelchair in a third world country who is also albino and Jewish, you’re not allowed to have an opinion.

If you’re a repeat offender of one of these styles, keep on doing what you’re doing because it’s entertaining af. But maybe consider giving spell-check a try so we can actually understand what you wrote.


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