Five Salads That Don’t Make Me Want to Kill Myself

If you’re forcing yourself to eat a #114 salad due to either your shameful carb-filled weekend or an impending tropical vacay, there are a few guidelines to make it not suck. For instance, a good salad should not contain any fucking iceberg, which is like the nice girl of salad greens. Also, don’t douse it in something like Ranch or fake Caesar dressing. Honestly, it’s terrible. Additionally, don’t add jarred black olives, bacon bits, or “sprinkly” parmesan cheese. Have some class. You also shouldn’t need an in-depth recipe. I mean, it’s a SALAD; aside from figuring you need about one cup of greens per person, this isn’t rocket science.

Bearing these rules in mind, here are five salads that will result in a satisfied betch:

1. Roasted Beet and Arugula Salad

Arugula is like, the go-to for delicious salad. You’ll need:

·         Baby arugula

·         Crumbled goat cheese (if you don’t like the taste, substitute Feta)

·         Roasted beets (you can get cooked beets in the produce section, then you can roast them at 450 degrees for 10 minutes), chopped

·         Candied or plain walnuts

·         Dried cherries (cranberries are so fucking over)

Lay down the arugula and add as much or as little of the above ingredients as you want in a bowl; there’s no wrong way to do this. Top with dressing, listed below. You’ll probs have extra so like, save that shit for future salads.

·         For the dressing, shake together ¼ cup balsamic vinegar, 1 tbsp honey, and 1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil in container with a lid.

2. Grapefruit, Avocado and Mint Salad

This salad is refreshing as fuck and uses spinach which is like, really healthy and not a carb. All you need to do is combine:

·         quartered grapefruit (you can buy the jarred fresh grapefruit in the produce section)

·         slivers of avocado

·         torn mint leaves

·         feta cheese (either block or pre-crumbled)

·         fresh baby spinach

Lay down the spinach and layer on your toppings. Top with dressing, explained below:

·         For the dressing, shake together ½ tbsp Dijon mustard, ¼ cup extra virgin olive oil, salt, pepper, 2 tbsps lemon juice

3. Chickpea and cucumber salad

Lettuce and greens do not a salad make, fucking duh.

·         1 can chickpeas, rinsed and drained (rinse it unless you want like a lot more sodium than you need)

·         ½ large cucumber, diced

·         1 large tomato, diced

·         2 tbsps finely chopped red onion (omit if desired… like if your date it coming over and you don’t want to knock him over with your breath)

·         5-6 bocconcini (the tiny spherical mozzarella in the fancy cheese section), diced

·         Handful of chopped fresh basil and chopped fresh mint (you don’t need a ton of either)

Combine the above ingredients. For dressing, you can literally just drizzle extra virgin olive oil, salt and cracked black pepper. Obviously, this one will serve more than just you and it stores in the fridge fairly well.

4. Massaged kale salad

Although it sounds like some new-age hipster shit, the reason that your kale salad sucks is because you aren’t treating it right. For a really GOOD kale salad, in a large bowl combine:

·         Kale leaves, cut into bite sized strips

·         Extra virgin olive oil

·         Kosher salt

·         Lemon juice in the bottom

Start moving your hands through the kale and ingredients, squeezing and crunching until the leaves start to feel less tough and more pliable. Top the now relaxed kale with shavings of Parmesan cheese and cracked black pepper. If you’re really domestic, toast some pine nuts and throw them in too.

5. The classic Caprese

I already outlined how to throw together this stupid easy salad in my Zoodle recipe, but here it is once more:

·         3 Roma tomatoes (or other small tomatoes, chopped or quartered)

·         ½ cup basil leaves, torn

·         ½ cup bocconcini, halved

·         2 tbsps balsamic vinegar

·         2 tbsps extra virgin olive oil

·         Salt and pepper to taste

Get a big bowl. Combine tomatoes, basil, and bocconcini. In a separate bowl or a mason jar, combine the vinegar, olive oil, salt and pepper – shake or stir until combined. Pour over the tomato mixture.


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