The Five People You Meet on Instagram

When it comes to your #155 Instagram feed, it's well established between you and your bestie group chat that there are certain characters on the social media stage. They are the instalosers who we all know and love… to talk shit about.

We're not talking about actual celebrities, and we're also not talking about the confused idiots who think Instagram is Facebook and will put all 20 of their pics from the weekend up on Sunday night within a 10 minute span. This post is about the typical outer circle acquaintances who genuinely think their manner of posting is normal, and you should aim to not be any of these people. But if they're ridiculous enough you might be awaiting their next post more anxiously than the day you gain access to your trust fund.

The Public Profile Hashtag Whore

This one is obviously self explanatory. You have a public profile, and you use a fuckton of stupid irrelevant hashtags to get more likes and followers. And yes, if you separately comment a line of hashtags for 30 seconds and delete them, you are still this person or debatably worse than this person.


The Filtergenic Girl

Not only does she need a filter to look good, but her filters are so blatant and make her look so different that you start to wonder if she has a bad permanent spray tan and/or jaundice.


The Artist*

This bitch loves landscapes. Like if her Instagram name weren't @xolauren22 you'd think she was just an extremely pretentious gardner. When she's not snapping pics of trees she'll be instagramming pictures of bridges at sunrise or sunset (she'd rather be stabbed in the eye than be caught taking a picture at noon), skyscrapers no one has ever photographed before (i.e. empire state building), and expertly plated spicy tuna rolls.  She's also the girl who will filter her photos, screenshot them, then refilter them via Camera plus, and then Instagram filter them. Van Gogh is definitely rolling over in his grave right now and screaming I want my pink ear back!

*The Artist is also probably the Filtergenic Girl, but instead of filtering-refiltering her face, she tends to filter-refilter various shrubbery.


The Animal Lover

If your cat could talk it would say, “stop fucking taking pictures of me and go get me some kitty kaviar, you stupid bitch.”


The Wannabe Celebrity

This is potentially the worst creature on your feed and ironically the person who Instagram is made for. Her profile will be a haven of full length mirror selfies with the hastag #ootd, shots of her “arm party,” and pics of her collection of Loubs/Céline bags. She may also be the girl who is all about eating healthy (#thinspo #greeneats #healthyeats #isecretlyhatemyself), but we all know what's to the left of that plate of steamed broccoli in Valencia, and that's a huge fucking pile of fries. Oh and a sweaty picture of you at #168 Soul Cycle is not #fitspo it's #gross.


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