I’ve had a very strained relationship with the state of New Jersey over the years. On the one hand, they’ve given me so many gems, like the ability to be lazy af and have someone else pump my gas for me and also Jersey Shore, without which I would never have heard the terms “meatball power” or “human grenade.” I mean, can you imagine a world like that?? But let’s not forget that New Jersey is also responsible for every boy I’ve meet on Bumble who is emotionally available enough to text me for four weeks straight, but not emotionally available enough to spend $13.25 on New Jersey Transit to meet me IRL. There’s got to be something in the water over there, because I know that has nothing to do with me and my sparkling personality. So yeah, I’ve had my
emotional baggage ups and downs with the state. But now they’ve gone and really pushed me over the fucking edge because someone in New Jersey is trying to make fetch Fireball Bagels happen. *calls the police*
Alex Berkowitz, life-ruiner and owner of The Bagel Nook in Freehold, NJ, has taken it upon himself to create a Fireball bagel even though literally nobody asked him to. What is in a Fireball bagel, you may ask? The dough itself contains a “splash of whiskey” and then the entire
crime against humanity bagel is dipped in a Fireball boozy glaze. My immediate reaction upon hearing this news went something like this:
Lord Jesus, why must you test me like this?
The Fireball bagel is being marketed as “perfect for your hangover” which is a bold statement and something I find personally offensive. First of all, Fireball is a drink only served out of desperation. Like, walk-into-a-bar-and-realize-you’re-the-only-one-whose-ID-is-actually-legitimate levels of desperation. And to turn that act of desperation against me and make it into the one food I eat when I’m hungover feels like a personal attack.
Secondly, no one buys Fireball of their own free will unless they’re criminally insane. Seriously. Think of one person in your life who buys this shit in increments larger than a single shot forced upon them by random bar trash. Now think about if that person sets fire to their lives on a daily basis either figuratively or literally. Yeah, they can’t be trusted.
When the owner of The Bagel Nook was asked
why he created such an abomination where he came up with the idea, Berkowitz said that a local radio DJ named “Cubby” asked him to make the bagel for Cubby’s birthday in exchange for Berkowitz getting free passes to meet the Backstreet Boys. So THIS is the price of humanity these days?
That’s what you’re telling me? WELL I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT, ALEX.
The good news here is that you have to be 21 or older to purchase the Fireball bagel, which means the bagel might die a slow and painful death because their target market won’t even be able to buy it. I mean let’s be real, no one of the legal drinking age would willingly choose to ingest Fireball in any way, shape, or form before 11am.
And if you’re
insane extra af and are actually looking forward to Fireball bagels because of the Instagrams, your life is about to get even better because you literally don’t even to leave the house for this shit. That’s right, for a cool $80 per baker’s dozen, you too can get cinnamon flavored regret delivered right to your door on Saturday morning. Honestly, god speed.
Brb, if you need me I’ll just be adding DJ Cubby, The Backstreet Boys, and any guy with the first name of “Alex” to my personal burn book.