Finally, Some Chill Vibes: Weekly Horoscopes April 27-May 1

This week, Mercury follows the Sun and moves into Taurus, bringing a grounded, chill vibe to us all. Sure, 420 was last week, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself with the urge to veg out on the couch with your favorite herbal refreshment even more than usual this week. Hey, it’s not like you’ve got anywhere to be.


Amazing news, Aries. Mercury is moving out of your sign, meaning you can finally focus. If you’ve been feeling like you can’t even commit to a show to watch, let alone answer emails, that feeling should dissipate somewhat as messy bitch Mercury goes to bother someone else for a change. The challenge will be applying that focus to one useful thing, rather than pulling a typical Aries and immediately starting 15 projects at once.


The Sun and Mercury are in your sign this week, meaning you give absolutely zero f*cks. Your typically low-key sign is being your absolute most unfiltered self on all forms of social media. If people don’t like it, too bad. They can tell you that sh*t to your face once we’re allowed to see each other again.


Mercury is chilling in Taurus which means it is time for you to chill on social media. Put your phone down, log off, and don’t even think about going live. It’s time for a digital detox. Actually, it was time for a digital detox two weeks ago when you posted your first Insta AMA. The only thing that’s changed now is you actually have the strength to do it.


Are you stuck in a quarantine rut? Cozy Cancer is more than happy to watch Netflix 24 hours a day (and honestly who isn’t these days?), but it’s time to shake things up. That’s where Mercury comes in. This week you’ll be getting the inspiration you need to change up your quarantine routine, even if it’s something as simple as watching Too Hot To Handle at lunch instead of dinner.


Fire signs like Leo thrive on being able to make future plans, and with Mercury in Taurus making you more achievement-focused than ever, it’s time to set some f*cking goals. Not saying you have to write a novel by the end of quarantine, but a structured, time-focused activity (like a 30-day fitness challenge) could do you some good.


This week, Mercury is pushing you to expand your horizons. Which, in quarantine, could come in many forms. Maybe you’re signing up for that Yale course on happiness online. Maybe you’re brushing up on your high school Spanish. Either way, you’ll be ready to follow your bliss to Ibiza once all this sh*t is through.


You’re usually an open book, Libra, but Mercury in Taurus makes you more reserved. You’re learning the value of keeping some sh*t to yourself (or at least off your Instagram story) and getting better at your own private coping mechanisms in the process. Honestly, that’s growth.


Your crew had better be singing your praises this week, Scorpio, because Mercury in Taurus has you being an amazing friend. You’re checking up on everyone, scheduling Zoom hangouts, and entertaining your quarantine buddies with all of your hi-larious stories. The least they can do is thank you for all the joy you’re bringing into their lives. And send wine.


Mercury in Taurus has you focused on the fine print this week, and details that wouldn’t normally bug you might start jumping out. That means now is the perfect time to put the final polish on a project you’ve been working on, or give an important email one last proofread before sending. It’s not like you don’t have the time.


You’re feeling fun and flirty this week thanks to Mercury’s transit into Taurus. Normally this would mean putting on your best spring look and drinking wine in the park, but depending on your state’s stay at home regulations, that may not be possible. So why not do the next best thing? Get wine drunk in your home, find a good patch of lighting, and do a selfie shoot. Just hold off on posting anything until you sober up.


You’re leaning into the chill, grounded Taurus vibes that this week brings by keeping it low-key, even by quarantine standards. Whatever 25 person Zoom hangouts you have, do yourself a favor and cancel them now. You’ll feel much better with low-pressure activities like a movie night with your roommates/quarantine buddy. Or better yet, a movie night with nobody at f*cking all.


Is talking to the same five people on FaceTime boring you? This week, let yourself reach out to someone new, whether it be an old friend you haven’t talked to for a while, or a new friend you want to get to know. Yes, making friends as an adult can be awkward as f*ck, but it’s either that or hearing about your sister’s roommate drama for the hundredth time.

Images: Katelyn Montagna / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.