Yes I care that Jamie tagged 65 photos of me from this weekend, I definitely look amaze in like 63.5 of them, but don't you think it's time Facebook stepped up their game with their notifications? Like Whatasapp is cool, sure $19 Billion, whatever, but what would be even cooler is getting a notification in the morning saying, 'your ex stalked your profile 6 times last night'.
Details of a scandalous breakup
If they “actually had a really amicable split” don't fucking notify me. But if like he cheated on her with her little little, during her senior formal, I better be getting that notification along with like, the amber alert ring tone.
Context for Elusive Statuses
People who incessantly post statuses on Facebook are really weird. So when my newsfeed is clogged up with the melodramatic woes of pathetic girls from high school, the least Facebook can do is call them out on their shit. “This is the worst day, literally no one speak to me.” Before people start commenting “what's wrong did something happen!?!? 🙁 The status should mention, “Bari's upset because none of her jeans will button this morning.”
I mean this would just be really thoughtful.
Annoying Pregnant Bitches
This type of notification applies to annoying bitches who get engaged, annoying bitches who celebrate their birthday for an entire month, and annoying bitches who went on vacation in January but are still putting up pictures in February.
Any and all gossip
Any gossip would suffice. Doesn't have to be interesting. I really don't even have to know you to be intrigued. It's like TMZ but for the less botoxed and bankrupt.
There'll obviously be an option where people can't see that you've been stalking their profile, duh. But your ex would be stupid enough to not realize that, fucking duh.
Fugly Loser Sluts
As much fun as it is sending your extremely obviously photoshopped pic around my bestie group circle with the subject IS SHE FUCKING KIDDING ME, then going through your other pictures to see what else you've photoshopped, it's a bit tedious and time consuming. This would be an efficient solution to my dilemma.
Reasons why you suck