152. Expensive Skin Shit

When we say expensive skin shit we are obviously referring to the large collection of skin and body products that, as a betch, it's your duty to accumulate and apply. If you don't have at least 40 or so bottles and tubes of moisturizers, creams, and oils in your bathroom for your besties to envy and test out, then you might as well move to South Side. The key to purchasing expensive skin shit (ESS) is to accept the fact that you can never have enough. Fuck the body and blood of Christ, your collection should be made from the sweat of ethnic newborns, plucked from the exotic trees of Morocco, and bottled in the finest huts of Indonesia. I mean, whoever said Snapple was the best stuff on Earth was clearly fat. The best things on earth are the most expensive creams that have the longest names. A betch knows Chanel Precision Sublimage Serum Essential Regenerating Cream is the best stuff on Earth. If your beauty regimen consists of anything less than this, you probably have the skin of Teen Mom's Amber. Now there's a fact you're unlikely to find on the back of your Snapple cap.


mrs doubtfire cake


But no matter how much fancy, exotic shit you have you will always omggg just neeeeeed another one! What betch hasn't arrived on Spring Break, only to discover that she left her $35 Jurlique Rosemary mist spray at home and had a major panic attack. Ugh, sweating is for lesbians on the basketball team and people who aren't perfect. Fucking duh.

Any true betch knows the dangers of mistreating their skin by using ESS for the wrong purpose. It makes us sick to think there are nice girls out there who would actually think of putting body cream on their face. After treating your skin to a day of toxic UV rays, applying the correct moisturizers to their proper body parts is essential. This makes it necessary to have each distinct product of any particular brand. For instance it's not okay to just buy the Bliss body butter and use it all over your body, rather it's necessary that you buy separate products that are designated for your body, face, feet, hands, under eyes, inner elbow creases, etc.. Sometimes it can get confusing because all the products claim to do the same thing, and a betch needs a little help. When in doubt, it's always best to just buy the most expensive ESS available. More expensive is more exclusive and since it's probably not an effective treatment anyway, this is the most effective method of choice.


dior cream$115 for a cream that I'm not really sure what it does? I'll take it!


Let's talk about brands. If we wanted to go to CVS and pick up a bottle of Jergens we might as well buy an accompanying sign that says “I'm a cheap whore with shitty crass skin.” The only acceptable place to buy your expensive skin shit is online because they are so exclusive the plebs can't find them in stores, and ideally they are imported from #3 abroad. The occasional trip to Clarins or Sephora is an exception to this rule. Remember, you're never too young to start using stem cell regenerative anti-wrinkle creams made from the golden apples of Switzerland. Our motto is, if it's good enough for Gwyneth, it's good enough for me.

Occasionally your boyfriend or dad will look at your credit card bill and be like “why the fuck you need all this shit? It doesn't do anything anyway.” To that you should rebut with a prompt 'fuck you'. If we wanted to pay thousands of dollars for treatments that actually worked we'd get plastic surgery. But we don't. Because we're too pretty. And like, natural.

So betches, next time you're #137 bored, go to the store and take this post as an excuse to revamp your collection of expensive skin shit. Think of it like your seasonal wardrobe except for your entire body. What better way to show you're better than everyone if not with your elite skin product regimen that no one can see.


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