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Exclusive Look At The Very Real, Leaked RNC Debate Rules Email

Here at Betches, we managed to get an absolutely real, leaked copy of the email the RNC sent to the candidates just before the debates. We don’t know who leaked it, but it was almost certainly Mike Pence. Thanks, MP!

Exclusive Look At The Very Real, Leaked RNC Debate Rules Email

Dear Candidates and/or Their Handlers,

The debates are just around the corner! We’re so excited to have all of you on stage. Beforehand, though, we wanted to go over a few quick housekeeping rules. We created the following guidelines just to ensure the whole operation runs smoothly:

  • If you interrupt more than three times, you will have to wear a shock collar. 
  • No bringing up how long it took Mike Pence to qualify for the debates. He’s very sensitive! It’s fine to bring up the fly, though. Unleashing a fly is also acceptable.
  • No wet willies.
  • No mean nicknames. That means that Chris Christie can only be referred to as “Chris Christie,” “the former governor,” “you,” or “that guy.” Nothing else.
  • We’re serious about the willies. Wet willies will be punished by the full-force of the commission, which is to say, MTG will drag you to her crossfit class.
  • Owing to space constraints, we cannot accommodate personal lawyers on stage. However, there will be time during the debates to “phone a friend” if you need their counsel before answering a question.
  • No tweeting from the stage. Truth-Socialing is fine, as they are an official partner.
  • Doug Burgum must wear a nametag so the other candidates know who he is. For the other guests, the debate is nametag-optional.
  • No livestock in the debate rooms. Somehow, this comes up every time.
  • Please be gentle with Vivek Ramaswamy. 38 is a really tough age for boys.
  • Must not actively spread COVID. Passively spreading COVID is fine, I guess.
  • Do not ask Nikki Haley if she’s on her period. We will find out ahead of time and send another email.
  • No criticizing Trump, as it hurts the party over all. Unfortunately, he’s our guy, and these debates are a chance to showcase everyone else’s ugliest sides, to coalesce support behind him. If you’re looking for a punching bag, may I introduce you to Ron DeSantis?
  • Speaking of, we, the RNC, also don’t know exactly why Ron DeSantis’ campaign turned into a flaming hot disaster, so please don’t ask us.
  • If the moderator asks if you’d support Trump if he was the nominee, you must say yes, especially since he will be the nominee.
  • If the moderator asks if you’d pardon Trump if you’re elected, you must say yes, even though you’re not going to get elected.
  • The winner of the debates will be Trump, especially since he won’t be there.
  • All hail The Future President Trump. No, seriously, we will need to formally hail him.
  • Please be polite. JK.
  • And do NOT forward this email to anyone!!
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."