Everything We Know About The Mueller Report So Far

Well, the [REDACTED] Mueller report is officially here. Kind of. This report has been in the making for so long, I really thought it was just going to end up being the last Game of Thrones book. Now, two important things to realize: yes, this is the actual report — not the summary of the report told to us from Trump’s BFF. But, it should also be known that a solid chunk of it is redacted due to grand jury material, sensitive intelligence, matters affecting ongoing investigations and to protect “peripheral third parties.” Am I the only one who feels like with a report this important, we should take Bethenny Frankel’s point of view and just mention it all?

Okay, but it’s time to break this down and see what’s what — so far. 

1. The Report Does Not Exonerate the President (But It Also Doesn’t Say He Committed a Crime)

The report states that “the evidence we obtained about the President’s actions and intents are difficult issues that prevent us from conclusively determining that no criminal conduct occurred.” So basically they’re like, “we’re not saying he committed a crime, but we’re also no not saying that.” This is awkward because Attorney General William Barr and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein both told us he did not obstruct justice, and Barr has further stated that the Special Counsel did not find “corrupt motive” so he will not pursue charges.

2. Trump Had Zero Chill When He Found Out About Mueller

According to the report, when Trump found out about Mueller’s appointment he said, “Oh my god, this is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked.” Sounds like something someone who is 100% innocent would say. Like, you know how if you secretly borrowed your roommates top, but she is complaining that there’s a stain on it, you’d be in a panic that you did it? This is kind of like that, but with our country.

3. He Asked Sessions to “Unrecuse” Himself.

Basically, he wanted this to happen so that Sessions could watch over the Mueller investigation and probably stop anything that was developing or give him a heads up. Which, spoiler alert: is unethical. He also asked former White House counsel Don McGahn to fire Mueller (sounds obstruction-ey to me), but McGahn refused to follow through on Trump’s order. The report also recounts McGahn calling up then chief-of-staff Reince Priebus (TBT) and told him that Trump was trying to get him to do “crazy sh*t.” Sounds about right.

4. Trump’s Team Knew Russia was Meddling — But There was No Criminal Conspiracy

The investigation found multiple links between individuals in the Russian government and Trump’s team, but it wasn’t sufficient enough to bring criminal charges to said individuals. It also found out that people on the Trump Campaign did lie to the Office and to Congress about their interactions with Russian-affiliated individuals. Those lies were charged as violations of the federal false statement statue.

Additionally, they realized that people on his Campaign deleted emails during the time period surrounding the infamous June 9th meeting. But her emails!!!!

5.  They Couldn’t Prove the Trump Tower Meeting was Unlawful 

You know, that meeting with Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and a Russian lawyer. I guess they were just discussing where to go in the Hamptons. The report states that: “the government would unlikely be able to prove beyond unreasonable doubt that the June 9 meeting participants had general knowledge that their conduct was unlawful.” That’s like saying Ursula and Curella de Vil met up just to talk summer plans, but whatever.

6. There’s Not Enough Evidence to Say Trump Told Cohen to Lie 

The report quotes: “The evidence available to us does not establish that the President directed or aided Cohen’s false testimony.” This contradicts that huge bombshell story published by BuzzFeed News. Side note, the report also revealed that Cohen emailed the wrong address for Russian government officials and got so desperate he reached out to their general informational address. The White House is a pre-school. If you’re going to try and obstruct justice, at least double check before you hit send.

7. Mueller Left The Obstruction of Justice to Congress

“If we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that the President clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state. Based on the facts and the applicable legal standards, we are unable to reach that judgement.”

So basically, he left it up to Congress (specifically Nancy Pelosi) to either pursue charges or just let the whole obstruction thing slide. House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler has already requested Mueller testify “on or before May 23rd,” so it’s safe to say this sh*t is far from “game over”.

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Danny Murphy
Danny Murphy
Danny Murphy is a comedian and writer who lives, laughs, and gets his credit card declined in New York. His writing appears in Glamour, Marie Claire & Cosmopolitan and he performs standup wherever people will let him shout at them.