195. Equinox

When it comes to betches and exercise, from Soul Cycle to Smart Water we’ve covered nearly all the bases (not really, fuck baseball) of #118 working out aside from obvious: the gym.

The relationship between the betch and the gym is complicated because no one likes the obsessive gym rat, but on the other hand we need a place to display our expensive workout clothes, and it’s generally considered irrational to bring your group photog on jogs with you. To that we turn to the sceniest and most amazing of gyms (if you can even call it a gym because it’s also a store, spa, cafe, and a fucking spiritual den)…we’re obvi talking about Equi.

You may think this is some plug but we swear it’s not. Just as Starbucks is the mecca of iced coffee, Equinox is the same to the gym. But Equi is not just a gym, it’s all the things we just mentioned and more, 100 extra dollars a month more to be exact. But while your average gym achieves its basic function of having available ellipticals for us to dawdle on, most of these places are grossly fluorescent and have fat mirrors and their locker rooms may or may not be wombs of fungi (we think, we’ve never actually been, clearly). On the other hand Equinox has skinny mirrors, Kiehl’s moisturizer, and ambient lighting. And if you get your bestie to join, you even get free money to buy more Lulu leggings. See Lauren, if you just pay this 500 dollar initiation fee and 200 a month, we can spin together on Mondays, and I get a $150 gift card…total win-win!

Equi is also a potential dating haven for betches because any guy there is most likely a pro, or at least his dad is because no cheap bro would ever join it, like ever. It’s way too girly and clean (read: civilized and not fratty). Between the Pilates instructors who text you and kale smoothies in the lobby, it follows that any bro you find at Equinox is either the MGB or like a hot dad.

So betches, next time you take out your keys to unlock your apartment, or angrily slam your attached change purse down at the Starbucks counter because the barista sweetened your iced coffee, make sure you have an Equinox membership tag attached to show the world that you work out with the best. Unless you happen to live somewhere they don’t have Equinox, meaning you live somewhere poor or international and have bigger problems. For the rest you betches, be classy, be skinny, and don’t ever let them see you sweat. That’s what the eucalyptus towels are for.

#194 Calling Out the Serial Cheater