Enjoy Your Hangover: Weekly Horoscopes May 28-June 1

The Tuesday after a long weekend is somehow so, so much worse than any Monday. This Tuesday might even be shittier thanks to the full moon. Your problems peak with the full moon and start to diminish or disappear after it ends each month. So look on the bright side: things get better the closer you get to the weekend. Wait, that’s how it always is. Anyway, here is your horoscope May 28 through June 1.


With a lucky Moon/Jupiter/Neptune combo in your chart, you’ll get payback for all the positive deeds you’ve done recently. This is the fruition of all things karma related. You’ll find cash on the ground or have the dude in front of you at Starbucks pay for your non-fat latte. If you haven’t done anything nice for anyone ever, I guess you’ll find out about that too. Karma is almost as big of a bitch as you are.


Avoid drawing attention to your accomplishments this week. A humble-brag will fall flat and you’ll just look like a try-hard. Avoid the embarrassment and let your successes stand on their own, The people you need/want to notice (like bosses and superiors) will notice, and they’ll probably appreciate that you’re a “team player” or “unpretentious”  or some shit.


The Full Moon is opposite your sign, meaning relations with partners and close friends are a little dicey right now. If you do decide to rock the boat—which, let’s face it, you will—pay attention to what you say. You’re more likely to project what you’re feeling onto the other person. So maybe your boyfriend hasn’t been suffocating you, you’re just needy and are worried about ever being alone again. Whoa, too real? Deal with your shit, betch.


Avoid getting sucked into those Memorial Day sales and deals. The Sun is at odds with your money zone, meaning you’re more likely to compensate for not feeling noticed with some retail therapy. Of course, I’d never advise anyone to miss out on a really great sale, but maybe keep yourself from maxing out your cards on some shit you’ll forget you even ordered.


Your desire to protect those close to you will be in full force this weekend. Before you start sharpening your claws, Leo, consider the repercussions. Snapping back at someone else’s Twitter troll won’t make you seem like a fierce defender of their honor. It could actually make the person you set out to defend upset with you for not minding your own business. Ya feel? At least ask before stepping in.


Your kindhearted nature will dominate this week. You’ll be empathetic and emotional. Gross. Your main goal this week should be not crying at work. This will be especially difficult if you start watching animal videos on Facebook. If you get the sense that a video features a soldier reuniting with his or her pet after being deployed, click away. Watch that kind of thing at home where no one will judge you for ugly crying.


You’re all about getting other people on board with your ideas this week. In fact, it’s so important to you that if someone disagrees with you, you’ll question your entire friendship. Don’t do that. Blame the full moon for your irrational reaction to Lisa saying she wants to go to a different rooftop bar for happy hour. She’s not undermining you to your coworkers, she just wants to hook up with the bartender there, probably.


The Moon in your sign is lined up with Jupiter, making you feel generous toward others. That’s great if your generosity extends to having the waiter put the app on your tab instead of splitting it with the group. It’s not so great if your idea of generosity is blowing a fuckboy you don’t even really find attractive because he told you a sad story about his family. I’m sorry your grandma is dying, Kyle, but a sympathy sex sesh is out of the question.


Mercury moves opposite your sign at the beginning of the week, giving you a chance to clarify and explain issues with those who are close to you. Instead of blowing up your boyfriend’s phone with pages of block text like the full moon wants you to do, fight the urge and bring up your issues calmly and in person. Plus, it’s really hard for him to not just agree with you and your cute face when he sees it in person.


Love is your drug right now. And, like and addict, you’ll go to great lengths to get it. Downloading each and every dating app isn’t just wasting space in your phone, it’s wasting a lot of your time. This week, stop swiping for like, a quick second and actually go outside and do something fun. You have a cosmic chance to meet someone in the wild when your eyes are not glued to your phone.


The lucky Moon/Jupiter/Neptune combo in your reputation zone will increase your popularity with important figures in your community or profession. It’s not the time to get flashy or braggy. Instead, your quiet confidence and principles will lead you toward success. So, yeah, this is the time to look at national news about politicians as “what not to do” instead of a guide for living your life. If their name is in the news, they’re not a role model, honey.


If your love language is Acts of Service, you’re in luck. Doing shit for others will really get you ahead this week. Be the one to pick up donuts for the office. Send a thank you note or some of that Emily Post shit. Don’t worry about being the office brown-noser, all the other signs have so much other shit going on this week they’ll just be appreciative and leave it at that.

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