For this edition of Betches Love This College, we’re taking on a school we’ve shadily referenced countless times but for some reason never actually given a full write-up: Emory University.
The Emory betch obv went there for three reasons: the weather, the Southern hospitality, and the Diet Coke. Oh, and she also probably got waitlisted/rejected from either Tufts, UPenn, Vandy, Duke, or Georgetown, but like the campus is gorg which makes it easier to overlook. I mean, if you didn’t
take classes resist the urge to puke in buildings made of marble for four years you might as well have gone to community college.
Emory was perfect for the betch who wanted to feel like she was getting out of the Long Island bubble without actually getting out of the Long Island bubble. You get to experience all the best parts of “Southern culture,” like Vineyard Vines, Chick Fil-A, and minimal exposure to country music, without having to personally deal with the less desirable aspects, like being pressured to get engaged before you graduate or like seeing the Confederate flag everywhere. Plus your family and besties up North think you’re like sooo worldly because now you’re “a Southerner,” but little do they know 98% of the people you go to school with are from New York and New Jersey. Win-win.
The campus generally falls into two categories: the kids from Long Island, and everyone else who hates the kids from Long Island. If you are from Strong Island (jk nobody says that), be prepared to get a lot of judge-y and “oh great, another one”-type looks when you tell people where you’re from. Which is why I always said I was from Queens. Great Neck is practically Little Neck anyway.
Also—you guessed it—Emory contains the highest concentration of JABs and NJBs in the entire Southeast. Not that I backed that up with, you know, any actual evidence but come on if that’s not the truth then I don’t know what is.
The campus is around 1/3 Greek which is another way of saying, “If you don’t join Greek Life you’ll probably have no Thursday night plans until you turn 21 and can actually leave frat row.”
In terms of the “best” one it depends entirely on who you ask (and what sorority they’re in). Frankly, since they shut down College ACB no one really gaf. Theta and TriDelt consider themselves “the top,” though when they compete for the same girls during rush they almost always go Theta because although they’re both kind of bitchy, intimidating in large groups, and go out A LOT, at least the Thetas put on a sweet front. ADPi used to have the “sporty” rep until we realized this is Emory. Kappas are nice but kind of vanilla, Gamma Phis are also nice but a little quirkier and don’t you dare call them awkward. DPhiE smokes a lot of weed. SDT used to be weird af and couldn’t hold down a pledge class larger than my average pregame, then nationals closed them down and last I heard they’re re-colonizing as every Emory JAB’s second home. RIP AEPhi.
Sig Chi: All the varsity athletes, but don’t get too excited, it’s only D-III
Sig Nu: The brothers formerly known as, “the less athletic but just as douchey Sig Chi,” until they got kicked off for hazing. Those 3 years you actually had a house on campus before getting kicked off again came and went so fast. I’ll still go to the Blackout party if it’s off campus, though.
ZBT: From the bros that brought you “The Emory Anthem,” this used to be the nerdy Jewish guys until they acquired a few black bros, started throwing better parties, and thought they were the shit.
ATO: Should be renamed TTH
KA: “The racist frat.” Every Southern school has one, right? Although they’ve acquired at least one minority, their “spiritual advisor” is Robert E. Lee and they have a giant painting of him in their foyer. Stepping inside the KA house is worth it, if only to get a selfie with Robert E. Lee.
Kappa Sig / Sig Ep: Meh?
SAE: Two words: Pool parties. Two more words: Venereal diseases.
Pike: Def hit up a Pike party if your idea of a fun time includes a roofie colada.
AEPi: Rich. Jewish. Must I say it again? Long Island.
Beta: You can visit the World of Coca-Cola in downtown, or you can head over to the Beta house for your very own World of Coke.
Under 21: Half the time you’ll depend on the frats for nightlife, which means half the time you’ll end up wandering the row aimlessly searching in vain for free Everclear. Thanks a lot, Emory, for actually giving a fuck about things like “registered parties” and “the dangers of binge-drinking.” Again, bitch you’re killin’ my vibe. That was directed mostly at you, J. Wags.
Other options for the under 21 betch include those ATel club events (shout outs once again to Kevin for never failing to flood me with event invites) at places like Mansion, Flip Flops, etc. Also College Night at Opera is dece if you like overpriced, weak drinks and running around trying to avoid getting grinded on by some dude in a Smurf costume, and another dude dressed as The Lorax.
And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Maggie’s. Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill is prob the most divisive issue among Emory students since the time J. Wags praised the 3/5 compromise as a beacon of American democracy at work. Basically, you either love it and go there at least 3 times a week, or you hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns and judge the shit out of anyone who goes there. I personally fall into the first camp and the appeal of Maggie’s is thus: cheap drinks, despite the fact that by the time you get there, the last thing you need is another drink. Repeated group choruses of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” and “Wagon Wheel.” Beer pong/billiards, depending on the night. A place where you can go after the frats kick you out at 2am and where you can make out with someone you def don’t want to be making out with, but whatever, you’re wasted and will just pretend it doesn’t happen when you see each other in Bio on Monday. Make no mistake, this place is a shithole, but the main appeal of Mag’s is the ID situation, meaning they don’t have an ID situation. Like you can hand them a Post-it with “I’m 21” on it and that’s more legit than half the shit they see getting passed back. Make friends with Mason your freshman year, def one of the best investments you’ll ever make. But show up to Mag’s before 1am, or God forbid, sober, and it’ll be one of the worst mistakes you’ll ever make, period.
For the over 21 betch, Atlanta is literally your oyster—well okay not literally but you get it.
Buckhead: Southern betches go to Buckhead, esp Park Bench for live music or The Ivy for really preppy people in general. Go to Johnnie’s if you want to pick up a cougar/sugar mama, but I don’t see why you would…?
Midtown: If you want to club. Flip Flops if you still think “No Hands” by Waka Flocka is relevant and you’re in the mood for slushies made with Sunny D and Everclear, accompanied by the worst hangover of your life. If you go to Opera not on College Night you’ll find yourself amongst 18-year-olds and 40-year-olds, so basically you’ll be too old and too young for Opera at the same damn time. If you go to Reign on a Friday night and you’re not a rapper or a model you probably won’t get in. Also if you do go, there’s a chance you might lose your friends in a cloud of thick-ass fog. CosmoLava is pretty random.
Miscellaneous: There’s Edgewood for your token ratchet betch. Beware of Noni’s though, it’s fun af but iPhones have been known to disappear and the staff dgaf, so keep that shit close. The Highlands and downtown Decatur are still boring.
Where to Live
If you had any sense the summer before freshman year, you pretended to care a lot about living green and/or global citizenship (whatever tf that means) so you could get into one of the new dorms. If not, you may have ended up in Dobbs or worse—Alabama. At least they just renovated Dobbs, Alabama is still a shithole.
Sophomore year you got a doctor’s note to live off campus because you “had like really bad anxiety.” If that didn’t work, you lived at Woodruff, because that 7-minute walk to campus totally counted as a day’s worth of exercise. If you get stuck in Clifton Tower I’m praying for you; I’m pretty sure Elvis wrote “In The Ghetto” about that place.
As for upperclassmen, Clairmont is chill if you don’t have a car and your parents don’t realize they’re paying like double the cost of rent at an actual apartment for you to sleep on a foam mattress. Anybody with common sense who doesn’t want to participate in the Hunger Games every morning to try and catch the shuttle to campus lives at Highland Lake, Highland Square, or any of the Gables.
Betches and non-betches alike live for Dooley’s Week, also known as “the only time you ever showed some semblance of school spirit because you were wasted on McDonough Field.” Emory kids care more about which performer SPC is bringing to Dooley’s Ball more than they care about the outcome of the next presidential election, and if we get another random, unknown rapper next year I fucking swear I’m boycotting. If you catch a free T-shirt you’re basically campus royalty, but you def got a few elbows to the face in the process.
LOL. Hopefully you have at least one friend at UGA/Auburn who can get you into a game before you graduate.
Things to Do Before You Graduate
Get out of the Emory bubble and explore different areas of Atlanta. This is usually hard because betches are afraid of branching out, and because as far as most Emory kids are concerned, any area that’s not bougie af is automatically “sketchy.” 9 times out of 10 this isn’t the case, unless you’re talking about East Atlanta—last time I went there the guy standing next to us in line was literally smoking crack out of a crack pipe. Yayyy Atlanta!
Also get Dooley to let you out of at least one class.
The lack of school spirit will give you a major case of FOMO esp when you Facebook stalk your friends at Michigan, and you’ll probably consider transferring at least once. Constantly cringing when your relatives ask “how you're liking Hotlanta.” The President keeps saying vaguely racist shit and getting us national media attention (in the bad way), and our fave frats keep getting kicked off.