Embrace The Sweatpants: Weekend Horoscopes May 8-10

Did you forget it was Mother’s Day this coming Sunday? Well, your mom didn’t, so try to send some flowers or make her a picture with dried pasta and glitter. You’re in quarantine, so what excuse do you have? You don’t. Assuming you drank on Cinco de Mayo, your week probably hasn’t been all bad. Lucky for you, the stars and planets are gearing up for a not-awful weekend, too, for most of you, anyway.


The moon in Sagittarius on Saturday means it’s best to embrace some f*cking lazy vibes. Lay around, read a book, stare at your phone, or eat an entire sleeve of Oreos. It’s whatever. That sh*t will flip come Sunday, when you’ll feel the need to accomplish a whole host of tasks. So go ahead and roast a whole chicken for dinner, clean out your closet, and vacuum.


Try to pay attention to how much you’ve been bending over backwards trying to please others, Gemini. You tend to put yourself second in relationships because you’re afraid of rocking the boat. This weekend, try to be cognizant of that and put yourself first with picking the takeout, telling your S.O. that, yes, it does bother you when he leaves his socks on the floor, and straight-up telling your boss that Zoom is cramping your quarantine lifestyle.


Reflect on how you do you, Cancer. Saturday is a great time to get away and do something you truly enjoy, like taking a walk or ordering Taco Bell and eating it alone in your car like a maniac. Seriously think about what makes you happy. Sunday is all about taking action, so do something that’s been on your to-do list forever, like attempting watercolor painting or starting a new Netflix series.


The Sagittarius moon wants you to, like, have fun, Leo. That’s funny in and of itself, given the current situation, but if you’re determined to live your life by the planets and sh*t, we recommend a Friday night game of whatever game you can play on Zoom or Google Hangouts. Saturday and Sunday are for being creative, so we’d recommend playing Chopped with your roommate and/or S.O. and seeing what kind of gross sh*t you guys can create from the stuff in your fridge.


You’re going to crave some family time both Friday and Saturday, Virgo, so don’t be afraid to dial up your siblings, mom, and dad and have a virtual happy hour or some sh*t. It’s also a great time to organize, since the planets will be highlighting all of your most anal tendencies. Organize your spice cabinet or sort through your dishes. Literally, do all the things I imagine Marie Kondo does in her spare time.


It’s all about communication and learning for you this weekend, Libra. Friday after work is a great opportunity to have a nice one-on-one heartfelt convo with your S.O. or bestie about how they’re doing in quarantine. These are stressful times, and lending a listening ear is more helpful than you’ll realize. Saturday and Sunday are best spent scrolling through Instagram for sales on loungewear. Judging by the amount of people going out and protesting because they can’t get their mullets cut and are missing free appetizers at TGI Friday’s, we’re going to have a pretty serious second wave of the virus.


Time for a Netflix watch party, Scorpio. If you haven’t seen your tribe in a while, set up a virtual happy hour for Friday night where you can all drink and watch something stupid like Too Hot To Handle or KUWTK season 1. Use Saturday as a chance to learn a new skill, like how to make 10 classic drinks perfectly and, therefore, making you a valuable asset in the future world. Sunday is for laying around, so embrace the sweatpants.


Examine your finances, Sagittarius. We get that you feel like a hero for helping out all these local restaurants with your constant takeout orders, but it may not be the best idea if it’s eating into your 401(k). Maybe it’s time for a household budget? Use Saturday and Sunday to introduce some money saving tools into your life. Then, discipline yourself and try not to keep justifying $70 steak dinners for one.


Friday night is gonna present some wacky dreams, Capricorn, so write that sh*t down. You’ll definitely have some déjà vu later on, and remembering weird details from your subconscious may come in handy. Saturday and Sunday aren’t going to be too productive, so don’t beat yourself up if you literally don’t want to do anything. F*ck making banana bread. I wanna make nap time.


You’re going to want to examine your goals, Aquarius—especially the ones you always felt were a given. Do you still want to get married? Have kids? Work for the same company for 20 years? These are the convos you need to have with yourself that aren’t always fun, and almost always require booze. After all that thinking, use Saturday night and Sunday morning for important sh*t, like sleeping, eating pancakes, and watching reruns of The Office.


You may feel especially vulnerable this weekend, Pisces. Those FaceTime first dates and attempts at romance may feel useless, but try not to give in to the low self-esteem feels. It’s just the planets f*cking with you. Use Saturday to do some journaling, or head out for a run to clear your head. By Sunday you’ll be feeling a little more like yourself, so don’t forget to call mom and tell her she’s pretty amazing for creating you.


You’re dying to get out and see some sh*t, Aries. Get in the car (and stay in the car) and drive around somewhere scenic. Maybe it’s a small town on the river or a nearby park at dusk. Wherever you go, use the time to appreciate nature and the fact that you aren’t in your apartment, which, yeah, still needs to be cleaned.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson