Knowing how to send an email makes or breaks a betch in the game of real life. You should definitely be proud of your ability to drink tequila for six hours straight on a Thursday night, but if you can’t write a kickass email to your boss Friday morning to get out of dying at your desk all day – you’re not a betch.
Only people at or above the age of 102 still think phone calls are preferred over email. No one has the attention span or social skills (unless they’re drunk TBH) to actually converse with you over the phone. This works in a betch’s favor because it’s much easier to make shit up and get your way in writing than stumble over your words on the phone while leaving a voicemail.
Follow these tips to make sure you sound like an educated woman who has her shit together 100% of the time – not a 23-year old who probably blacks out just as much as she did when she was a freshman in college.
1. Set up a signature
Not only is this a time saver (less time you spend writing “Sincerely, Nicole” is more time for drinking) it also gives college betches a chance to basically include their resumes in every email they send. Nothing screams “I’m important and high powered” than putting all the leadership positions you’ve held in your email signature. No one has to know you just yelled at your inferiors and delegated the shit out of tasks.
Spelling and grammar errors automatically reduce your credibility by like 300%. That’s an actual known statistic. The second someone spots something misspelt in your email they show their coworkers and LOL at your stupidity. You won’t get taken seriously ever and considering you have beer in your hair from the night before, you need all the help you can get.
3. Don’t ramble
No one gives enough of a shit to read about what you had for breakfast. Get to the point or else you’ll end up in the trash bin faster than any coupons a betch gets in the mail.
4. Do not use emojis
The sideways smiley is acceptable when you are texting your mom to send “grocery” (Burnetts) money, but when emailing someone who you want to actually take you seriously stop with the pep and cheer. This is the real world – no one cares if you’re 🙂 or :(.
5. Don't drink and email
Only thing worse than showing up to work hungover on a Friday morning is emailing your boss Thursday night when you’re already three margaritas in that you “rlly don’t fel well and mite have 2 take tmorrow off tysm xoxo.”