How Do I Get Out Of Taking Care Of My Friend Who Constantly Parties Too Hard? Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

So I'm a senior in high school and with graduation coming up there has been an influx of parties. One of my best friends loves drinking like the rest of us, but she is honestly the worst at it, if that's even possible.

My friends and I always find ourselves babysitting her, and there have been many times where she has blacked out from alcohol poisoning and loses all class. She has ruined a lot of fun events, and it's horrendous watching her half naked at a party throwing up yesterday's Chinese food all over herself. She also sucks at apologizing and seems to have no respect for other people's stuff (including my moms BMW, which btw I had to clean up since she was hungover in bed).

She often keeps me from having a good time because I'm always worried about what else she's about to destruct. How can I tell her she's the worst drinker of all time and have her actually listen to me? 


Not-so-Blackout Betch

Dear Not-Blacked-Out,

I truly feel for you here. That is the worst; your friend is gross and needs to stop. Like honestly, if she is like this now imagine how disgusting she will be in college. She needs to learn a lesson, but something tells me that she is not going to see the light immediately, so in the meantime here are some suggestions:

#1: Whenever you guys go drinking do not use anybody’s personal car. Uber it. Not only will you make your elementary school D.A.R.E. officer proud, but you will also spare all BMWs from abuse.

#2: While pre-gaming, do not let her make any of her own drinks. This is usually where things get out of hand for bitches like your friend. They want to get drunk fast, but they overdo it and before they know it they’ve inhaled as much liquor as a Kennedy on Martha’s Vineyard.

#3: Help your friend realize that if you are going to be getting blackout, you need to prepare your body throughout the day. Eat plenty of healthy food and chug coconut water. Hydration and nutrients are key to minimize upset stomachs.

#4: Finally, get some other members of the friend group together and hold several full on Lindsay Lohan level interventions. She needs to know that no guy thinks you are hot because you “can drink so much,” which I am sure is at least part of the reason why she is drinking so much. The fact is, if you are throwing up, you obviously can NOT drink that much. Also, try to back up these statements with Snapchat screenshot proof. #JpegsOrItDidntHappen

Anyone who ever hopes to grow up into a HBIC needs to master drinking. And the key to a successful blackout is drinking just enough that one more would turn you into Nicole Richie standing over literally any toilet in America. You have to know your limits.

Betches always have their cake and eat it too (which is a metaphor of course because we don’t eat cake)


The Betches


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