Don't Get Bangs Without Reading This First

It’s that time of year again, when Mercury is in retrograde I start to feel the need to sabotage my own happiness by making some stupid, drastic decision about my look and, guys, I think bangs might be in my future. I’ve already talked about how face framing bangs are about to be one of the hottest haircuts of summer 2017 and I’m either drinking the Kool-Aid or watching way too many of Selena Gomez’s Instagram stories because I’m suddenly all about the bangs trend. But I never do anything without first consulting the internet, researching the shit out of whatever life ruining decision I’m about to make, and then disregarding all of that advice and doing the life ruining thing anyways. LOL I’m so random.

So since I’m determined to make bangs happen I’ve taken it upon myself to make a semi-accurate comprehensive guide to getting bangs so you won’t spend the next 3-6 months hating your reflection. Or your might. Idk. Feel free to talk shit in the comments, because either way you still have bangs and I still have wine. Mwuah ha ha. So yeah let’s talk about bangs. Read this at your own peril.

I Got Bangs

Your Face Shape Is Everything

First things first, your face shape is everything. Don’t just get bangs because Selena Gomez takes fire selfies with them or because you binge watched an entire season of GirlBoss and decided the actress whose face or name you cannot place looks hella cool with bangs (for instance). You need to figure out your face shape and what type of bangs will look best on you before you let your German hairstylist Susi loose on your hair. For long, narrow faces you’ll need to get a blunt fringe cut that hits just below your brows to make your face look fuller. For round or square faces try bangs just above the brow. Heart-shaped faces can do whatever the fuck they want, because apparently all types of bangs suit your face shape and now I hate you.

It Requires A Shit Ton Of Maintenance

Like more than just the literal bare minimum that we all strive for. Ugh. Bangs need to be trimmed every six weeks, lest you look like that unfortunate girl from your middle school homeroom who bore a striking resemblance to Todd from Wedding Crashers.

Todd Wedding Crashers

Some salons actually consider trimming bangs a complimentary service and won’t charge you for it, but if you live in New York good fucking luck finding any such stylist to take pity on you and your bangs. Last week some guy on the street forced me to take his “album,” and when I took it so he would stop harassing me, he charged me 10 bucks. So that’s the kind of garbage city we live in.

ANYWAY, you can also try and cut your bangs yourself, though that sounds like some sort of Fear Factor challenge. But if you’re determined to play Russian roulette with your hair, don’t make any big drastic cuts. Rather, take off millimeters at a time. And for the love of god, DO NOT pull a Hannah Horvath and just starting cutting in one straight, solid line. Instead, twist your bangs and point the scissors up so you snip at the ends, leaving an imprecise line.

Hannah Horvath Bangs

There’s An Adjustment Period

Similar to the bro who claims he’s “not good at relationships”, if you haven’t had bangs before then, like your man, you’ll probs need to retrain your hair to do whatever the fuck you want it to do. Stylists say it can take up to several weeks for your hair to finally start cooperating with you. So, like, right around the time you need to get it cut again. *internally screams*

What You Should Ask Your Hairstylist For

So if you’re reading this and you’re thinking “fuck it, my horoscope said to be daring this month, so yeah let’s try bangs” then I’ve got your line-up right here. If you only want to be as daring as Giselle’s dress at the Met Gala then simple side swept bangs are what you should ask your stylist for. This is a style for anyone who wants to ease into bangs. They’re easy to blend with layers around your face and low-maintenance enough to work on any hair length. They’re also v easy to style and grow out so it’s like you’re barely taking any risks.

Emma Stone Side Bangs

If you’re only medium-daring, like a person who take nudes but doesn’t include their face, then face framing bangs are going to be your go-to. The cut itself is a little shorter and riskier, but still super easy to style and maintain.

Selena Gomez

Lastly, if you’re spirit animal is Rihanna with a flask at an awards ceremony then you should try the dramatic bang aka the short and tousled look. Wearing very short bangs (translation: two to three inches) is v edgy but takes a lot of styling and patience. For example, when you have bangs that short you can’t just blow dry them any which way you want. You’ll need to pull them straight down with your fingers while blow drying, and once dry, comb them down or use a dab of pomade for a tousled 90s–inspired texture. And if that sounds like a lot of work, that’s because it fucking is, so be forewarned.

Krysten Ritter

So ladies, now that you know your best bangs, take a few five shots and head over to your stylist to experience either the best haircut of your life or the most regret you’ve felt since that one time you slept with a guy below 5’9″. It’s really 50/50 at this point. Kisses!

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).