Ho. Lee. Shit. Another one bites the dust. And while it is someone living in the wacky world of Trumplandia, this time it’s not another appointed official throwing in the towel. It’s Don Jr.’s wife Vanessa Trump. Vanessa took to the Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to officially file for divorce after 12 years of marriage. She decided it was time to free herself from the shackles and live her damn life, and I truly couldn’t be prouder. Either that, or she saw that Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization and wanted to GTFO before her husband goes to JAIL. Either way, we’re happy for ya, ‘Ness.
According to multiple inside sources, Donny J and Vanessa have been on the rocks for quite some time, and Trump Sr. becoming president was just the icing on the cake – if the cake was made of Twitter rage, orange self-tanning lotion, and sadness. Baby V was understandably upset with the intense amount of attention and scrutiny bombarding her family, and allegedly hated Don Jr.’s tweeting, calling it “unhinged.” (True, Vanessa. True.)
Just last month, Vanessa was hospitalized after receiving an envelope containing a suspicious powdered substance that was feared to be anthrax, but ended up being a false alarm. The couple also spent Valentine’s Day separately, with their five (five?! Jesus.) children, which is a clear sign that this relationship was dead and gone. If you can honestly tell me you’d rather spend the most romantic day of the year telling your snot nosed pre-teens to stop blowing straw wrappers at each other across the table instead of breaking out the molly you’ve been saving for a special occasion and having marathon sex, I have some bad news for you and your soon-to-be-ex husband.
Vanessa and Jr. met back in 2003 at a fashion show. They were introduced by none other than the big Don himself. First of all, if some creepy old dad tried to set me up with his lube-haired son, I would run for the GD hills. Vanessa clearly does not have the same standards.
However, the first introduction didn’t leave much of an impression, and when they met again at a party a few weeks later, Vanessa literally said, “Wait, you’re the one with the r*tarded dad!” Forgive me for not being shocked that someone who knew the Trump family was an avalanche of stupid but married into it anyway for money would use the r-word to describe her future father-in-law. Though, in her defense, it was 2003 when we were all low-key pretending that was okay.
Clearly, the perks did not outweigh the constant nightmare of waking up next to Donald Jr. every morning and realizing she was trapped in a perpetual hell of MAGA hats and being the “other hot blonde who isn’t Ivanka.” Vanessa, I wish you luck on your journey back into the single life. Enjoy your glow-up as you drift peacefully away from all things Trump and probably try to salvage your former modeling career by resorting to promoting flat tummy tea on Insta. Oh and Melania, I hate to tell you to just copy someone else but…your move, girl.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!