So you think your friend said “hi” a little weird today. The barista at your local coffee shop didn’t seem quite as chipper as normal. And did that dog on the street give you kind of an off vibe? You’re about one errant stranger’s sigh away from a full-on spiral into the depths of your neuroses. But before you go clearing your schedule for your next anxiety attack, let’s take a little quiz. Does everyone really secretly hate you, or do you just have anxiety? Select all that are true.
Did you say something slightly embarrassing, like telling your server “you too” when they said, “enjoy your meal? (Y/N)
If you answered yes… Everyone secretly hates you, but not for this—it’s for something else weird you said, years ago, that you don’t even remember.
If you answered no… You’re a liar, and that’s the real reason everyone secretly hates you.
When was the last time someone replied to you in a group chat? Was it more than a day? (Y/N)
If you answered yes… I regret to inform you that your friends have started another group chat without you. Why, I can’t say for sure. Maybe it was your overenthusiastic use of emojis. Or the fact that you
One of your ideas
Or maybe you just have bad taste in memes. Maybe your sense of humor in general just sucks, actually. Whatever the precise reason, make no mistake, it’s definitely something you did.
If you answered no… Barring any poorly timed autocorrects, you’re probably in the clear.
Did you suddenly remember something extremely cringey you did in middle school? Wearing bright-green eyeshadow and two Polo shirts layered over a long sleeve, for instance? (Y/N)
If you answered yes… Don’t stress. It’s not like all the evidence of our awkward preteen years has been memorialized online for eternity because we failed to heed the advice of all the adults who tried to tell us the internet is forever, or anything!!
If you answered no… Well, I bet you just did now.
When you asked your boss if you could take April 15, 2022 off, did he say “sure, that’s cool” but like, with a slight edge, like it wasn’t really cool? (Y/N)
If you answered yes… Oh no, it’s worse than I thought. He hates you and you’re about to get fired for this.
If you answered no… No as in you haven’t requested off recently? Or no as in, it was actually cool? If the former, you’re good. Keep on being a replaceable cog in the soul-crushing machine of capitalism. If you think it was the latter, this must be your first job. Hope you have WiFi wherever you’re going on your day off, you’re going to need it to fix a non-urgent emergency!
Did your friend just casually mention in conversation that she hated the show you personally recommended to her even though you assured her, “you’re gonna be obsessed with it?” (Y/N)
If you answered yes… Well, at least you know why everyone hates you: it’s because of your bad taste in streaming. There’s some comfort in that.
If you answered no… You’re right, you don’t ever recommend shows to anyone. That’s probably why you have no friends—you’re stingy with the Netflix password.
Did you just hear your own laugh on a video or audio recording? (Y/N)
If yes… My sincerest apologies, because there is just no way you have any friends or loved ones with a chortle like that.
If no… Consider yourself truly blessed. Might I recommend tamping down your expressions of joy to a polite giggle?
How long did it take you to put away the change in your wallet before the cashier at the grocery store called “next!” And then started scanning the following customer’s items?
Was it… before their items slid down to the bagging area, necessitating they move over to the credit card reader? Do you even have anxiety with hand-eye coordination and speed like that?
Or was it… after? Not only do they hate you, they probably cursed you under their breath and wished a number of petty inconveniences would befall you. Sorry in advance about that tongue paper cut!
What’s that? Your worst fears have been confirmed? Take a deep breath. Then count up to 10. Now back down. At least now you know. While they say ignorance is bliss, they also say knowledge is power. Whoever “they” are, they seem divided on the conventional wisdom, but one thing is for sure: they definitely would be happier if you didn’t make it to brunch.
Image: David Prado / Stocksy