Existing in the world is tough these days. Between new social media apps, ever-changing government guidelines, and — was there a global phenomenon that caused us to stay inside more than usual? Can’t recall — it seems like people have come up with new and inventive ways to be the fucking worst. Luckily, we’re here to help. We came up with some new etiquette rules to help you not be the worst. It was pretty easy; all we did was go out into society for like, an hour.
Friends and Lovers
If you’re going to cancel plans, it’s better to do it last minute with a super-elaborate yet totally made up excuse. Read: you have to go pick up a cake for your best friend’s sister’s roommate’s birthday and also, you’re running out of bronzer, so there’s just no way you can go for drinks tonight. Honesty is overrated, anyway.
Don’t initiate any conversation—literally nothing—with your new love interest. Wait for them to text you, no matter how much you want to chat with them or make plans. And while you’re actually at dinner, stare at them from across the table until they ask if you want the check. If they wanted to, they would!
If you’re not drinking at a certain event, you are legally required to announce your decision. Like, everyone must know that no, you won’t be having any wine, thank you very much—and your stated reason must be a) a bummer, b) smug-sounding, or c) a combination of both.
Tell your friends you’re going to show up in something “casual” for brunch, even though you have absolutely no intention of doing so. Everyone knows a hungover Sunday brunch is the optimal time to whip out the five-inch heels, feathers, and/or sequins. Just keep your plans hush-hush, til you get there. Your friends will totally appreciate the surprise!
There is absolutely no good reason to ever wake up your significant other on purpose. Not if you’re about to be late for a flight (leave them back, Home Alone-style). Not if they’re on track to miss an important meeting. Not even if you suspect they’ve died in their sleep. (Just wait until their corpse starts to smell from decomposition.)
For the men: Girls love to be hit on at the most inopportune times, such as reading, walking, or at the gym. Use pick-up lines like “that body of yours is absurd,” “how are you such an hourglass?” and “I may need to see the booty.” What works for Adam Levine will work for you.
If you’re having a destination wedding, by all means, also go ahead and have a destination bachelorette party. People loooove spending their hard-earned money on outfits for yet another “disco cowgirl” theme, and an Airbnb that hasn’t been cleaned since we all had flip phones. Because you only get married once, right?
Make all of your friends wear the exact same bridesmaids dress—cut, color, and fabric. Curves, big boobs, and skin tones be damned. You have a ~vision~, after all! Bonus points if you also call them “my girls.”
Don’t even *think* of wearing white during the year and a half your friend is engaged. If you bump into her and you’re so much as wearing a cream-color headband, be prepared to lose the friendship and get uninvited from the wedding altogether.
Unabashedly ask someone why their camera is off in a meeting. They’re clearly on vacation in Bora Bora and stretching their PTO days. Who needs boundaries anyway?
Girlboss, gaslight, and gatekeep a bit too close to the sun. Talk about your second ski trip of the season to the lowest-paid member of your team while at a mandatory after-work happy hour intended to boost employee morale. Pizza parties are so 2019.
When trying to get a job at a company you want, repeatedly message every single employee on LinkedIn asking for a referral. It’s such a great way to show interest! They’re probably not that busy, anyway, and will surely clear their schedules just to hear more about how “you’re the perfect fit for the role.”
Always offer to pay the bill so you can get the points, even if it means ruining friendships in the process. Do whatever you have to do—insist, be firm, throw elbows and cause an all-out brawl in the middle of Carbone while people gather around you, filming, exclaiming how they’re about to go viral on TikTok. Those 4x points on dining are really going to get you one step closer to the Maldives, and if your friends don’t understand that, it’s time to get new ones.
Order a salad and tell everyone that you’ve just been “working out a lot and eating really healthy,” without mentioning that you’re on Ozempic. Especially if you have a sizeable social media following, of course.
Continue to explain that your baby is however-many-months old until they can legally vote. Keep people on their toes while they try to guess just how old an 86-month old is. They have the time and patience for this, it’s fine!
Let your child repeatedly kick the seat in front of you on a plane. It’s not your problem that the people sitting in front of you haven’t heard of the term “gentle parenting.” That’ll teach them.
Social Media and Entertainment
Write a long-worded Instagram caption about your significant other with the phrase “we’ve had our ups and downs”—and don’t say anything about your inevitable breakup a month later. It’s fine, we weren’t all watching this trainwreck from afar anyway.
Make sure to post every video you took at the concert, especially the ones where you’re singing in the background. We may not have gotten tickets to the Eras Tour, but at least we get to live vicariously through the Insta story of the most annoying person we know.