Do Something Crazy (In Bed): Weekend Horoscopes May 17-19

Anyone else really, upsettingly excited about it being Friday? Yeah? Anyone else really having a panic attack about how they’re going to wrap up approximately 80 plot points on Game of Thrones in 80 minutes? Anyone wondering if they’ll have any purpose left in their life after 11pm on Sunday? Yeah, I’m with you.

If you’re trying to ignore that whole medieval fantasy ending on HBO thing and focus on your two days off, it’s time to consult the planets, which literally never steer us wrong. Is this the weekend you finally buy that spicy lube and scare your boyfriend with it? Is it time to stop trying to make other people happy and start growing out your bush in a big ol’ f*ck you to the patriarchy? Or are you just gonna get back on your bullsh*t and pick a new Netflix show to zone out to for 36 hours? Stay tuned.


Throw the usual answers out the window, Taurus, especially when it comes to your partner’s expectations. Get blinded by your horniness and try something wild. You aren’t the bull sign for nothing. The full moon in your sector over the weekend has a LOT of passion bubbling to the surface, so prepare for some emotional breakthroughs. Don’t push anyone away this weekend—you’ll want friends, family, and lovers closer than normal with the planets doin’ the things they do this weekend.


A Scorpio full moon has you turning your focus to work and wellness, Gemini, so stop trying to separate the two. Working full-time isn’t an excuse for skipping your spin class every week, nor is it an excuse for self-soothing with Taco Bell three nights a week, so do some soul searching and find out why you’re really passing on your health goals.

Make nerdy pro and con lists for both your out-of-work self and profesh betch life. Figure out how to be more efficient and you’ll be happier in the long run. It’s a great time to relax and do some self-reflection, since the full moon has you feeling super introspective.


Being a social butterfly and the center of attention is amazing, Cancer, but this weekend it’s time to focus on you. Time to finally use that spa certificate you’ve been saving for a “special” occasion. Work on a terrible art project or take up knitting. Saturday’s Scorpio full moon in your romance sector means it’s prime time for a fancy date and classy night with your beau, so count on a night that includes a place that requires reservations and sex acts that are normally too steamy for your weekly slumber parties.


Time to spend the same time and focus on yourself as you have on work this week, Leo. Choose to stay in on Friday night with your roomie or plan a weekend trip for some quality family time. Maybe mom’s been wanting a night to try that new wine bar, or dad wants to show off his newly acquired lawn tools. Whatever, just spend some time with them.

Just keep in mind that the full moon over the weekend is going to have things feeling more intense than usual in the mom, dad, and sibling sector. It could be a good overzealous love and family fest, but things can turn extreme (and unsettling) pretty quickly, so be careful not to let all the energy turn the mood sour.


Focus on the details, Virgo. You’re usually a big picture person, like looking at Game of Thrones overall as a series instead of honing in on how sh*tty the last episode was (like, honestly). This weekend, look at the little things, like the 800 emails and voicemails you’ve let build up. You never know what you’ll find when you start sifting through all that info. Maybe J. Crew is having a 75% off sale. Maybe your future husband just slid into your DMs on Hinge.

Take a step back on Saturday as the full moon brings a little more intensity than normal into the mix. Be careful what you say to friends and family, as emotions are running high. So, instead of posting a bunch of angry memes on Facebook about how the US is becoming Gilead from The Handmaid’s Tale, just start cold calling your state reps and telling them what the f*ck is up.


Try not to shop till you (and your bank account) f*cking drop, Libra. Treating yourself to boost your moody attitude is fine, but try not to drop your rent check on shoes and dresses you don’t need. If you’re in a sharing (or almost sharing) situation with a partner or roommate, make sure your voice is heard when it comes to finances. Take a step back and examine the situation. Are you both buying groceries? Does he eat all the food? Did you use all of her shaving cream again? Saturday may be a prime time to sit down and have a frank convo.


The full moon is in your sign this weekend, Scorpio, so your crazy is itching to come out. Be assertive and think about yourself and your needs Friday through Sunday. You’ve classicly put other people first, which was great last weekend at Kristen’s bachelorette and a few months ago at Kim’s baby shower. Like, you should have been the center of attention, but it was chill to let them be in the spotlight for a sec. This weekend, all that goes out the window when you do your fav activities, eat your fav foods, and bang your crush all in the name of celebrating you.


Time for naps, Sagittarius. Seriously, sometimes the best answer is a long, uneventful sleep, and this weekend is prime for solo slumber parties and keeping socializing to a minimum. I know the girls wanna get blackout during brunch, but push it to next weekend. You need to focus on you.

Signing up for a yoga class is a great move for Saturday or Sunday, since you’ll feel rested, in tune, and ready to embrace your superiority to like, everyone who doesn’t do yoga.


Time to tell everyone about your vegan stance, Crossfit classes, and acupuncture practices, Capricorn.  You’ve been all about embracing new passions, and this weekend is a great opportunity to communicate how cool you and said activities are to all your friends without sounding like an asshole. Sh*t, it’s even a great weekend to take charge and organize one of said activities, like a hike through nature (kill me) or a group fitness class.


Ambition is the name of the game this weekend, Aquarius. You’ve been focused on you, which is great, what with all the sweatpants, naps, and late night PostMates deliveries, but it’s time to focus on your career, your friends, and your future, too. Use the weekend to come up with game plans, or at least think about where you want to be in 10 years while getting super high. It’s when we all do our best thinking, honestly.


Travel and see some sh*t, Pisces. You’ve been bogged down with meetings that should have been emails, an overabundance of Netflix, and a lack of excitement the last few weeks. Take a break and gtfo of town for the weekend. A day trip is the answer to relaxation, so don’t focus on trying to book week-long trips to Thailand or anything (unless, like, you have the PTO for that sh*t).


Sh*t’s getting steamy AF, Aries, so plan to finally do the dirty with your crush or head to new, weird level with your partner. Maybe it’s time to introduce handcuffs in the bedroom, or maybe pegging is the way to go. You do you, Aries. Be safe and make good choices. Kisses!

In addition to all the bedroom romance this weekend, plan on connecting with a new crush or partner over new experiences Saturday and Sunday. Travel out of town, head to a new restaurant with a cuisine you haven’t tried, or take a note from The Bachelor and skydive or some sh*t.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson