Do Not Live In One Of These Dumb-Ass Micro-Apartments

Do you live in New York? Do you wish you could live in a much smaller space for the same money you pay now? If so, the New York Times has an annoying trend piece just for you: Micro-apartments, prefabricated in Brooklyn (as are all authentic things):

“Enter My Micro NY, the city’s first micro-apartment complex, at 335 East 27th Street, with 55 units ranging from 260 to 360 square feet. The building will begin leasing studios this summer for around $2,000 to $3,000 a month.”

The demand, they say, is due to the increasing number of singles hunting for space in the already crowded city. One- and two-bedroom apartments were originally designed for families, but roommates living on combined incomes have jacked up the price. With these, single New Yorkers can live in 300 square feet of luxury, alone. Whether living in a glorified closet contributes to being alone remains to be seen.

“Indeed, amenities may be key to the success of micro-apartments. ‘Amenities have become much more important to people as apartments have gotten smaller,’ said Cliff Finn, the executive vice president of new development at Douglas Elliman, and the leasing agent for the Greystone. ‘They have become an extension of living space. People are prepared to make the space trade-off if they have other places to go.’”

Yes, because if I’m going to crack my head open on my tiny sink nestled between my tiny toilet and my tiny kitchen counter, those countertops had better be fucking granite.

Now, I have an IQ above 75 so I’m not a real estate agent, but a cursory browsing of Craigslist shows that there are many, many options available in Manhattan that are not prefabricated doll houses. $2k looks like it will get you a decent studio; for $3k you can get something downright opulent (or as opulent as a studio apartment can be). Is it worth paying extra to not live in a hostel full-time? Certainly. Is it worth $3k? No fucking way. $3k would be your MORTGAGE payment on a house the size of the goddamned Taj Mahal in my hometown, not that anyone would actually want to live there.

“Jack and Linda Sproule, both in their late 60s, have lived in a 300-square-foot apartment on Central Park West and 83rd Street for almost 13 years… The secret to living together in their small home is mutual respect, Ms. Sproule said, joking that the only time she and her husband feel crowded is when their beloved 13-year-old rescue cat, Alphonse, lies on top of them while they sleep.”

Do not name your cat Alphonse, and do not live in these stupid-ass human residential cubes.


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